


Forum Fauna

by kethni



Category: Veep (TV)
Genre: Experimental Style, F/M, request fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 10:33:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15794748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kethni/pseuds/kethni
Summary: D.C. didn't operate in a vacuum, they just thought it did.





	1. June (Some New Beginnings)

**Author's Note:**

> For Intronerd who asked for "Polical forum peeps/RPS writers obsess about Kent and his relationship with Selina."
> 
> Yup, it's a Kent/Selina story in which Selina doesn't appear. Enjoy!

Tulip90: Picture of our boy in the Post this morning. He looks good.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Ooh he’s not going to like that.

Tulip90: Word around the cooler is that they’ve been told to yank it down from the online version.

RealPatriot: Why’s he so secretive? What’s he got to hide?

Joe4983: He’s private. That’s all.

JaneWorldDestroyer: And we love him for it.

RealPatriot: I’m going to run his pictures through facial recognition. Check the darkweb.

Tulip90: Good idea!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Is it? Um, might that not trigger a security thing?

AdmiralNelson: Yes, it would. Don’t do that.

RealPatriot: Who the FUCK are you?

AdmiralNelson: The moderator. Dial your aggression down.

RealPatriot: The fuck you are. What happened to WestWinger? What’s going on? Have we been penetrated?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Not without dinner and a movie.

Joe4983: Read the pinned post.

Tulip90: You’re so funny Janey!!!

AdmiralNelson: The former moderator was inactive for 30 days.

Joe4983: Where in the Post is the photograph?

Tulip90: Page 12. He’s talking to Cafferty. God. I wish that asshole would quit. Everyone says he talks to KD like he’s nothing.

JaneWorldDestroyer: In the photograph KD looks tense.

Tulip90: Needs a good woman to look after him!!!

Joe4983: Person.

RealPatriot: Here, this pinned post doesn’t say what happened to WestWinger. Has he been silenced for speaking out? What’s going on?

JaneWorldDestroyer: He probably got bored. Went back to school or whatever.

RealPatriot: Where’s your loyalty?

JaneWorldDestroyer: He sent me a PM asking for “newds.” I don’t own a damn thing to some creep who can’t even spell.

AdmiralNelson: Dear Lord.

Tulip90: He never asked me!!! What’s wrong with me???

Joe4983: Real men don’t seek to humiliate women.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Nicely put.

Tulip90: Can you imagine KD asking for nudes?

Joe: No.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Hmm. Asking who and is he serious? It might be playful with a lover.

Joe4983: Getting an idea?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Maybe.

RealPatriot: It’s gotta be Meyer right. Who else is he gonna ask, the 12-year-old chief of staff?

Tulip90: Amy Brookheimer is the chief of staff. Supposed to be wicked smart but like SO neurotic!!! She’s dating some lame-o from a Super PAC.

Joe4983: Too young.

Tulip90: Don’t say that!!! I’m not much older!!!

RealPatriot: And married.

JaneWorldDestroyer: KD is on your list, right Tulips?

Tulip90: Hubby would understand.

Tulip90: How do you know I’m married?

RealPatriot: I pay attention.

Tulip90 – JaneWorldDestroyer: Do you think RealPatriot has files on us???

JaneWorldDestroyer – Tulip90: Yes but mostly on you

JaneWorldDestroyer: Too young for you, Joe, you’re a gentleman. We don’t know about KD. Maybe he’s always running around with little chickies.

Joe4983: You don’t believe that

Tulip90: On his motorbike!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: God. I wish that story was true.

Tulip90: Swear up and down.

AdmiralNelson: Where did you hear that?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Nah. I hope he doesn’t. How do you respect a man running around with a girl less than half his age?

Tulip90: It was part of his security background check!!!

AdmiralNelson: 2.07 times her age in Brookheimer’s case.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Ooh, talk math to me. It gets me HOT.

Joe4983: Been eating chocolate?

JaneWorldDestroyer: You know me too well.

Tulip90: Holy crackers! News blowing up that Hughes isn’t going to run! Some photo at the press secretary’s wedding has been posted on a blog.

RealPatriot: That’s fucking gibberish.

Tulip90: Excuse you!!!

Joe4983: Which blog?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Is it Hughes boinking a stripper? Because otherwise I don’t know how it would matter.

Tulip90: West Wing Man

RealPatriot: I wanna go to your wedding.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Only if you buy me a HUGE gift.

Joe4983: Never heard of it.

Tulip90: It’s a teeny tiny blog with like a hundred followers max. It’s only be online a couple months.

JaneWorldDestroyer: And yet way more followers than here.

RealPatriot: This is some bullshit. I had a look. He posts background gossip and all that shit. He should be HUGE.

Joe4983: Why? We’re not.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Joe’s right. WestWinger posted that stuff here and we’re the tiniest microforum around.

Tulip90: Small but beautiful!!!

Joe4983: First for everything.

RealPatriot: The photo has been YANKED. It’s DOWN. No explanation.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Oops. We know what that means.

Tulip90: I didn’t notice our boy on the photo

Joe4983: He’s at the West Wing. Background of a tweet from Treasury Sec.

RealPatriot: The Black House forces have got to West Wing Man. It must be true.

AdmiralNelson: The Black House?

RealPatriot: The hidden minions of the White House. The fascistic forces of oppression clinging parasitically onto our democracy while they suck it dry.

AdmiralNelson: Do you all believe this?

Joe4983: No.

Tulip90: Yeah right!!! Come on, I work at a newspaper. The White House DREAMS it’s that’s organised and powerful!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Not me. I’m just here for the thoughtful debate on the problems of the two-party political system. And fantasise about being fucked senseless by older men with thick grey hair and beards. But mostly the debate thing.

RealPatriot: Any response from Meyer?

Joe4983: Such as?

Tulip90: Tap dancing across the Beltway!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: She’s a career politician. She’s not gonna get caught on camera looking happy POTUS is bailing after one term. If it’s even true.

RealPatriot: He needs to explain his thinking.

Joe4983: He doesn’t.

RealPatriot: Why is he doing this now? Is it the Russians? The Israelis?

JaneWorldDestroyer: It’s gotta be the spy thing

RealPatriot: Is it a Russian-Israeli conspiracy? The worldwide Zionist plot finally making a decisive move?

AdmiralNelson: You are very close to a time out.

RealPatriot: For asking questions?

JaneWorldDestroyer: For being a MORON

AdmiralNelson: Racist comments are NOT tolerated

Joe4983: Read a history book

Tulip90: I’m Jewish, RealPatriot. BACK THE FUCK OFF.

RealPatriot: Get serious. I don’t think that you’re personally responsible Tulips. We all know the historical chauvinism of your people –

FORUM MESSAGE – RealPatriot HAS BEEN PUT IN A TIMEOUT FOR ONE WEEK

Joe4983: Good

Tulip90: Wow, that was fast!!! Thank you, AdmiralNelson!!!

AdmiralNelson: The timing was fortuitous. I wouldn’t normally be online at this time during the day.

Tulip90: Lucky for me then!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: RealPatriot’s been off his meds for about ten days. Not an excuse but you know.

Tulip90: It’s not.

AdmiralNelson: Was WestWinger often online during the day?

Joe4983: Sometimes

Tulip90: He let RealPatriot run WILD. He NEVER put RealPatriot in a timeout. Not once!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: WestWinger needed to be put in a timeout.

AdmiralNelson: Do you know WestWinger well?

Joe4983: No

Tulip90: Sure! We talked a bunch. He loved swapping gossip about the West Wing.

Joe4983: But not nudes.

JaneWorldDestroyer: My honor is secure. And my nudes.

Tulip90: You didn’t send them??? You could break the internet!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Like Medusa.  

Tulip90: Medusa was on the internet??

AdmiralNelson: Did WestWinger ever tell you his name?

Tulip90: Oh I have an email. I’ll check!

JaneWorldDestroyer – Joe4983: New mod a little pushy about WestWinger?

Joe4983 – JaneWorldDestroyer: Yes

Tulip90: _Jonah_. I thought it was weird. What a thing to name a kid.

 FORUM MESSAGE – AdmiralNelson HAS LOGGED OUT

JaneWorldDestroyer: Oookay

Tulip90: If Hughes doesn’t run again what happens to KD???

Joe4983: You work in D.C.

Tulip90: I’m a COPY EDITOR not a politician!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: You mean does the next president inherit him like… the Resolute desk?

Joe4983: VPM for President story?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Hmm. I have mixed feelings. I kind of hope not because when she grabs the brass ring she has nowhere else to go? But changing stuff up would keep things fresh.

Tulip90: The book’s gonna help right???

JaneWorldDestroyer: ?

Joe4983: Some New Beginnings. She’s in my town on Thursday.

JaneWorldDestroyer: HAHAHAH. No

JaneWorldDestroyer: Are you going to go to a signing?

Joe4983: Maybe.

Joe4983: You’ve researched stranger. Forensics. Biker gangs. Spanish.

Tulip90: What’s wrong with it?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Stranger yes. Worse no. Have you read the extracts? JFC. Couldn’t they hire a GOOD ghostwriter?

Joe4983: You should’ve volunteered.

Tulip90: She’s the VP!!! She doesn’t have time to be great at EVERYTHING. I’m sure she did her best writing it!!!

Joe4983: She didn’t.

Tulip90: She wrote it!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Joe4983 is right. Pretty sure an experienced lawyer would know how to spell her own middle name.

 

 


	2. July (The Choice)

JaneWorldDestroyer: Fic’s up on my blog.

Tulip90: Whoo!!!

Joe4983: You should be writing novels.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Aww. You guys.

Joe4983: Not blowing smoke.

RealPatriot: can you do one where they fuck on the Resolute Desk?

Tulip90: Ooh on the rug!!! There’s a seal on the rug right??

JaneWorldDestroyer: You people are filthy, and I love it.

AdmiralNelson: POTUS might have something to say about that.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Hey AdmiralNelson. Welcome back.

AdmiralNelson: Have I missed anything important?

RealPatriot: WestWinger has a website.

AdmiralNelson: Oh Lord.

Tulip90: He’s so tall!!!

Joe4983: Ryantology. Embarrassing.

RealPatriot: How is it embarrassing? He’s trying to get the truth out!

AdmiralNelson: the truth?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Don’t start RealPatriot. Come on. Save that stuff for the tinfoil hat forums. We’re just here to love on KD.

Tulip90: Preferably with VPM!

WEST WINGER: what the fuck is going on? Which asshole locked me out of mod rights on my own forum???

RealPatriot: Hey man! Where ya been?

AdmiralNelson: You are no longer the moderator.

Joe4983: Read the pinned post.

West Winger: I wasn’t told about this! You can’t hijack my forum!

AdmiralNelson: There are rules. You broke them.

WestWinger – AdmiralNelson: Hey, whoever you are you are going to PAY for this. You hear me, asshole?

AdmiralNelson – WestWinger: Mr Ryan, recruiting a group of people to stalk your line manager is harassment. Be grateful I am not pressing charges. Yet.

Tulip90: Awkward!!!

 WestWinger: shit!!!!

FORUM MESSAGE - WestWinger has left the forums.

Joe4983: short and sour

RealPatriot: this is some bullshit. What it going on?

JaneWorldDestroyer – Joe4983: It’s not that I want WestWinger as mod, but this is weird, no?

Joe4983 – JaneWorldDestroyer: It is. AdmiralNelson wasn’t even a member the day before he became mod.

JaneWorldDestroyer – Joe4983: Don’t new mods normally come from within the forum and get hand-picked by the exiting mod? This like some kind of hostile take-over.

Joe4983 – JaneWorldDestroyer: Needs thinking on.

RealPatriot: Hello? Am I talking to myself here?

Tulip90: Have you seen what POTUS has done now??? He’s said he’s pro life!!! What’s going to happen??? Are abortions going to be illegal???

Joe4983: No.

RealPatriot: You honestly think the president decides that? This isn’t a Banana Republic just yet you know.

Tulip90: No need to get snippy!

Tulip90: why “banana”? I never understood that.

Joe4983: Racism.

RealPatriot: Oh cry moar lefty libtard. That’s not racist

Joe4983: Never been called left wing before.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Welcome aboard! We have cookies.

RealPatriot: You people make me fucking sick

JaneWorldDestroyer: Touchy

Tulip90: Excuse me!!! God! The TOPIC is the president being pro-life!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Conversations are organic.

Tulip90: This is an Real Person Slash forum and the REAL PERSON’S boss is in the news!!! That’s a valid discussion!

RealPatriot: WAH I’m Tulip90! Pay attention to me!!! Pay attention to me!!!

Tulip90: DON’T PUSH ME FLAGFUCKER

JaneWorldDestroyer: Whoa, c’mon guys. We don’t want RealPatriot getting another time out. He’ll end up banned.

Tulip90: DON’T WE

Joe4983: Great story, Jane.

 JaneWorldDestroyer: Thanks Joe!

Tulip90: I DON’T COME HERE FOR ABUSE

RealPatriot: Where do you go?’

JaneWorldDestroyer: Groan. You couldn’t think of a less obvious joke?

RealPatriot: Who’s joking?

Joe4983: Do you think KD and VPM would discuss the abortion issue?

JaneWorldDestroyer: For reals? Good question. He’s a strategy guy. It’s a tricky question and good strategy would help. She can’t sit on the fence about it.

Tulip90: I want to see that convo!!! Is he pro-choice or pro-life???

Joe4983: Debate>question

JaneWorldDestroyer: Sex>debates, hehehe

Joe4983: Don’t. You’re better than PWP.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Um. Okay. Don’t know what to say to that.

 Tulip90: Okay, so, hear me out. Group get together!!! We could meet up, go to a campaign rally, squee at KD and VPM. It would be awesome!!!

Joe4983: she’s not running yet.

Tulip90: she’s gonna run!!! Come on we all know she will!!!

RealPatriot: the deep state won’t allow a woman, a woman who is openly pro LGBT, to be president.

Joe4983: “Openly?”

RealPatriot: she is

JaneWorldDestroyer: I think Joe means that suggests it’s something she should hide. No?

Joe4983: Yes.

RealPatriot: The weaponised homophobic Christian right vote too. ln big numbers!

AdmiralNelson: Numbers suggest that the percentage who are intently homophobic is relatively small. Statistically insignificant in terms of actual votes although their message is disproportionately reported.

JaneWorldDestroyer. How’s your mom doing, AdmiralNelson?

AdmiralNelson: Much better. Thank you.

Tulip90: who’s up for meeting-up?

Joe4983: Normalising LGBTQ is important. Being “openly” pro helps.

RealPatriot: there’s a Q now? Why not the whole alphabet?

Joe4983: Seeing LBTQA more often.

Joe4983: Inclusivity is important.

JaneWorldDestroyer: I’ll know nearer the time. Campaigning takes forever. There’s no rush.

AdmiralNelson: Would you support the vice president is she ran?

Joe4983: Yes

JaneWorldDestroyer: I think so, yes. I have some issues with her politics but we’re broadly in alignment.

Tulip90: Pfft. What’s the point in voting???

JaneWorldDestroyer: You wanna go to a rally but you don’t vote?

Joe4983: It’s your civic duty.

Tulip90: It’s to see VPM!

RealPatriot: Given the general level of knowledge and reasoning it’s her civic duty not to vote.

AdmiralNelson: Play nicely children.

RealPatriot: It would be a wasted vote. Meyer’s enmeshed in the military industrial complex. An independent would send a message.

Joe4983: what message?

JaneWorldDestroyer: “I’m a kook who doesn’t understand American politics.”

RealPatriot: the choices are corrupt. The only ethical response is to choose differently.

Tulip90: AdmiralNelson, would you come to a meet-up?

AdmiralNelson: I don’t think that would be welcome.

Tulip90: You’re in D.C. right??

AdmiralNelson: How do you know that?

JaneWorldDestroyer: l.P. location tracking is turned on.

AdmiralNelson: Oh. Yes. Although it doesn’t seem accurate. RealPatriot is listed in a different country every few seconds.

RealPatriot: My VPN is scrambled.

Joe4983: Of course.

JaneWorldDestroyer: How much does that cost you?

RealPatriot: A small price for peace of mind.

Tulip90: Nobody cares where you are!?! You’re not important enough!!!

AdmiralNelson: Oh Lord.

FORUM MESSAGE- RealPatriot has left the forum.

Joe4983: Unnecessary

Tulip90: I know!!! What a baby!!!

Joe4983: No. You.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Poor RealPatriot’s world would crumble if the government wasn’t out to get him.

AdmiralNelson: The administration has more pressing issues than paranoid conspiracy theorists.

Joe4983: WestWinger

Tulip90: Ugh!!! I’m so sick of his stupid website and his stupid face!!! He needs to stop picking on Selina and Kent!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: He said something about KD specifically?

Tulip90: Yes!!! In an FAQ on his stupid site. He said KD fired him!!!

Joe4983: Wait. KD was WestWinger’s boss?

AdmiralNelson: In the reporting stream.

JaneWorldDestroyer: who moderates an RPS forum on their Boss? That is same creepy shit. Ugh.

AdmiralNelson: You weren’t aware?

Tulip90: No!!! He just said he worked in the West Wing. Loads of people do!!!

Joe4983: So TPTB at the West Wing know about his first blog?

AdmiralNelson: Along with hundreds of other political web forums and blogs

Joe4983: Do they know about this forum?

Tulip90: it’s not funny!!!

Joe4983: wasn’t joking.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Well, now I’m freaked out.

Joe4983: You’re not doing anything wrong.

JaneWorldDestroyer: I know that. I’m not breaking the law or anything.

Tulip90: OMG I have to start writing RPS!!!

AdmiralNelson. That’s your take away from this?

JaneWorldDestroyer: I know you want to be famous, Tulip90 but pretty sure real person fic isn’t the way.

Tulip90: Janey your writing is AMAZING!!! You should be thrilled that KD or VPM might read it!!!

Joe4983: Debateable.

TDW: I would be mortified if I thought they might know I existed. If they read some slash I wrote, then I would crawl under the couch and live there.

AdmiralNelson: The quality of your writing aside, no-one but the most rabidly egotistical would choose to read erotic fiction featuring themselves.

Tulip90: I would!!!

Joe4983: You would.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Thanks, AdmiralNelson. I hope you’re right.

AdmiralNelson: I’m sure I am.


	3. Alicia (October 18th)

Tulip90: Did you see SNL??? OMG it was so mean!!!

RealPatriot: It hasn’t been funny in twenty years.

JaneWorldDestroyer: It’s a bit sophomoric for me.

Joe4983: Too late in the evening. Oldies sleep early.

JaneWorldDestroyer: You’re not old, Joe, you’re just pre-loved.

Joe4983: Roughly loved then.

JaneWorldDestroyer: You’re being careful?

Joe4983: I’m careful. My age you gotta be.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Good. Boys are so shitty. Tinder scares the crap out of me. Dating apps seem so dangerous.

Joe4983: Boys?

JaneWorldDestroyer: If I said “men” you and AdmiralNelson might yell at me.

Tulip90: I am so happy I got married!!! Oh my God I thought I never would.

RealPatriot: must be nice to be able to

Tulip90: Ugh! Just because nobody wants you doesn’t mean you have to get pissy at me!!!

RealPatriot: That’s not the problem you know.

AdmiralNelson: Tulip90 turn it down a notch.

Tulip90: God!!! I just want to talk about my husband once in a while!!!

Joe4983: You have

JaneWorldDestroyer: We’re bitterly single and that’s the way we like it.

AdmiralNelson: I know the feeling

JaneWorldDestroyer: No Mister/Mrs Nelson?

Joe4983: Lady

AdmiralNelson: Not that Admiral Nelson.

RealPatriot: There’s more than one?

Joe4983: Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea?

AdmiralNelson: Yes. My favourite show growing up.

Joe4983: My first crush.

AdmiralNelson: On Nelson or Crane

Joe4983: Nelson

JaneWorldDestroyer: You like a man with a brain.

Joe4983: Or woman.

RealPatriot:Oh FFS. Not the bisexual bullshit. Come out of the closet.

AdmiralNelson: You’ve had three timeouts, RealPatriot. One more and you’re banned.

RealPatriot: For WHAT? I’m allowed to express my opinion. You can’t censor my opinion.

AdmiralNelson: You absolutely have the right to express your opinion somewhere that allows bi-phobic comments. The right to free speech only guarantees the government doesn’t interfere. This is a privately-owned forum and if you express opinions contrary to the rules we absolutely have the right to censor or censure you.

JaneWorldDestroyer – Joe4983: I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to be offensive. I’m kicking myself.

Joe4983 – JaneWorldDestroyer: Don’t be. It’s fine.

JaneWorldDestroyer – Joe4983: I know you’re bi. I know bi erasure is a thing. I’m sorry. I just wasn’t thinking.

Joe4983 – JaneWorldDestroyer: I know. It’s okay. Don’t worry.

RealPatriot: Bisexuality is the Deep State trying to distort and destroy the gay community.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Honey, have you taken your meds?

AdmiralNelson: In fact, there is significant evidence that bisexuality to one extent or another is the norm in human beings not the eruption.

Tulip90: I’m not sure I agree!

SDW: with what? We’ve known this shit for YEARS.

AdmiralNelson – Joe4983: I’m minded to shut this down. Do you agree?

Joe4983 – AdmiralNelson: Are you asking me because I’m bi or because you are?

AdmiralNelson – Joe4983: Both

Joe4983 - AdmiralNelson: If you’re bi tell them that

Tulip90: It doesn’t feel like it’s true!

AdmiralNelson: Reality exists without reference to your feelings. Bisexuals exist. I exist. Joe4983 exists.

RealPatriot: Jesus Christ.

Tulip90: You’re bisexual AdmiralNelson? That’s so interesting!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer – Joe4983: ‘I might throw up.

Joe4983 – JaneWorldDestroyer: Pass the bucket

AdmiralNelson: Let’s move on. Did you think the depiction of the VP in SNL was fair or unfair?

JaneWorldDestroyer: she’s a big girl. She’s taken of a lot worse lumps than that.

Joe4983: that was it?

TULIP90: Actress dressed up and cooed over a horse! It was pretty poor!!

RealPatriot: They made fun of her privileged background. Like any politician isn’t from money. They’re all corrupt.

Tulip90: Is KD from money???

Joe4983: Not a politician.

AdmiralNelson: Not especially.

JaneWorldDestroyer: I think I read pretty middleclass upbringing. Went to MIT so there was some money at least. I love a boy with brains.

Joe4983: Politicians know they’ll be figures of fun.

RealPatriot: It’s the only ammunition we have against them.

JaneWorldDestroyer: And voting.

Joe4983: Guns.

Tulip90: whoa!!!

AdmiralNelson: Wold you like to elaborate? Are you referring to the second amendment or should I contact the Secret Service?

Joe4983: Second amendment.

Tulip90: Do you have a gun Joe4983???

Joe4983: No longer.

RealPatriot: I’m not allowed. It’s a travesty.

AdmiralNelson: That is a tragedy indeed.

Tulip90: Hehe! Need some ointment for that burn???

JaneWorldDestroyer: That’s from back when you used to be a cop, Joe4983?

Joe4983: Back in the day.

AdmiralNelson: In Chicago?

Joe4983: San Francisco. Chicago born and retired. SF between.

Tulip90: Janey, you could do a story about the secret service??? Or KD rescuing VPM from a shooter!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: it’s worth thinking about.

RealPatriot: Pretty cliched.

Tulip90: Do you think KD can shoot a gun???

JaneWorldDestroyer: Hmm. I can go either way.

RealPatriot: Yeah. He’s a man’s man type.

AdmiralNelson: What does that mean?

Joe4983: Doubt it.

RealPatriot: Rides a motorbike in a gang. Goes hiking.

JaneWorldDestroyer: why do you say that, Joe4983?

Joe4983: something about his manner.

Tulip90: well I bet he does!!! He’s very macho!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: what do you think AdmiralNelson? You could cause a tie here.

AdmiralNelson: No. I don’t think it would be of interest. And it’s a club, not a gang. It’s an important distinction.

JaneWorldDestroyer: I wanna see his distinction in leathers.

Joe4983: I don’t remember hiking.

RealPatriot: WestWinger said he went hiking during the so-called shutdown.

Tulip90: Ugh. Nature. Gross!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Nature is like my mom’s heart transplant: it’s important and impressive and I do not want to touch it no way.

AdmiralNelson: Your mother had a heart transplant?

JaneWorldDestroyer: it was a while back now. Congestive heart failure.

AdmiralNelson: That sounds trying.

Joe4983: Is she still struggling with the drugs?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Yeah but she pushes through. What’s she gonna do, not have a heart?

RealPatriot: They’re already experimenting with cloned hearts.

JaneWorldDestroyer: So, they can replace her old bum heart with a new bum heart?

AdmiralNelson: If you’re referring to the use of 3D printing to create bespoke organs, then, yes, that it is being investigated.

JaneWorldDestroyer: sorry, RealPatriot, that was mean.

RealPatriot: You had a reasonable point.

Tulip90: It’s all creepy and gross.

AdmiralNelson: U’s science. It’s beyond morality.

Real Patriot: Thanks Mengele.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Ugh, maybe that was ambiguously worded?

RealPatriot: science doesn’t need morality because scientists have none. Do you know they used Mengele’s  research to improve a whole bunch of treatments for burns and hypothermia?

Tulip90: Yeah. I know all about it. But what’s the alternative, letting those people die for nothing???

AdmiralNelson: Perhaps I could have phrased it better, JaneWorldDestroyer. I merely meant that science, data, knowledge, are simply tools. It is human beings who are good or evil.

RealPatriot: it was tainted!

Joe4983-Tulip90: You okay?

Tulip90 – Joe4983: Gah! He makes me so mad!!! You’re a sweetie to ask

AdmiralNelsom – I now regret asking after JaneWorldDestroyer’s mother’s health.

JaneWorldDestroyer: LOL! Well I appreciate it.

RealPatriot: I heard VPM’s mother is being kept alive by machines.

AdmiralNelson: she’s in an assisted living facility.

RealPatriot: that’s what they want you to think. Assisted living is the human

equivalent of storing food in the freezer.

Joe4983: wrong.

AdmiralNelson: Do you actually believe everything that you say?

RealPatriot: I don’t believe EVERYTHNG that anyone says.

***

Tulip90: VPM looked Fab in that red dress!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: she wears red or blue a lot.

RealPatriot: No childcare mentioned.

Tulip90: Is that a hot button issue for you? LOL!!!

AdmiralNelson: it’s not a hot bottom issue for anyone.

JaneWorldDestroyer: You don’t know that, AdmiralNelson. Come on. I bet moms care.

AdmiralNelson: Alas not in statically significant amounts.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Ugh. I’ve told you before about talking math. You’re getting me all hot and bothered.

AdmiralNelson: That would be the first time in far too long.

Joe4983: Dry spell?

AdmiralNelson: Yes. Currently five years and rolling.

Joe4983: I hear you.

JaneWorldDestroyer: when did either of you last ask anyone out?

AdmiralNelson: I’m very busy.

Joe4983: I’m not “chatty.”

Tulip90: No kidding!!!

RealPatriot: You women think it’s so easy making the first move. Waiting for the inevitable rejection is exhausting.

JaneWorldDestroyer: can you spare us the woe is me for I am man routine RealPatriot? It’s not easy for anyone. Nobody wants to lonely.

Tulip90: I am so lucky!!! I love my husband!!!

AdmiralNelson: Last week you said you wished you’d never met him.

Joe4983: Because his parents visited.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Those MONSTERS.

Tulip90: Don’t gang up on me!!!

RealPatriot: Don’t boast about your marriage when everyone is talking about being unhappily single.

Tulip90: I wasn’t!!! Anyway, JaneWorldDestroyer is saving herself for KD!!!

AdmiralNelson: Oh, really?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Funny!

AdmiralNelson: He might not be what you imagine.

JaneWorldDestroyer: I’m sure he’s not but I’m never going to meet him and he’ll never know I exist, so it all shakes out.

Joe4983: fantasy

JaneWorldDestroyer: Yeah. I’m not nuts. Well, not in that way! I’m very happy with KD waaay over in D. C. being smart and handsome while I’m over here in Cleveland admiring him from a distance.

Joe4983: Don’t want to live under the couch.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Right! I would be _beyond_ embarrassed if I met him.

Tulip90: Not me!!! why should we be???

RealPatriot: You’re IN D.C. You could see him if you really wanted to.

AdmiralNelson: Don’t do that.

Joe4983: NO

Tulip90: I’m not an idiot!!! God. I’d probably lose my job!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: seriously don’t stalk him. Poor guy has enough on his plate.

Tulip90: I’M NOT GOING TO STALK HIM!!!

AdmiralNelson: You’re an only child, aren’t you?

Tulip90: How do you know that?

Joe4983: can’t take teasing.

Tulip90: it wasn’t funny!!! AdmiralNelson is just as likely to stalk KD!!!

AdmiralNelson: That would be problematic.

RealPatriot: Guys, Ryantology has photos up from BTS of VPM’s speech. KD is in a few.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Ugh. I don’t know why they let Ryan do that. He trash talks the whole administration constantly.

AdmiralNelson: It’s a public venue. Keeping him out entirely would be difficult.

Tulip90: ooh he’s in his shirtsleeves and his hair is ruffled!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Chest hair?

Tulip90: this shirt is fully buttoned.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Nuts.

AdmiralNelson: chest hair is very unfashionable.

Joe4983: I don’t mind.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Love chest hair.

RealPatriot: Urgh! So unhygienic. Wax it all off.

JaneWorldDestroyer: unrealistic beauty standards RealPatriot.

Tulip90: men should wax!!! I have to!!!

AdmiralNelson: Do you “have” to?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Not me. I’m as nature intended

RealPatriot:No wonder you can’t get a date.

JaneWorldDestroyer: That’s me told, what’s your excuse?

AdmiralNelson: I attend to my ears and nose. Nothing else.

Tulip90: Ears and nose??? What’s wrong with you???

Joe4983: Maturity.

AdmiralNelson: You too?

Joe4983: oh yes. My hairs have hairs.

Tulip90: Gross!!! Men are disgusting!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Honey, the day is coming when you to shave your chin and pluck your nipples.

FORUM MESSAGE - RealPatriot HAS LEFT THE FORUM

Tulip90: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT???

Joe4983: Snowflake

AdmiralNelson: Ow.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Hahaha

AdmiralNelson: which one?

Joe4983: SnowflakeS.

AdmiralNelson: I never shave my chin. Well from time to time I change from beard to moustache.

JaneWorldDestroyer: But do you pluck your nipples.

AdmiralNelson: Given the rest of the hair it would rather redundant.

Joe4983: Hairy back?

AdmiralNelson: I don’t believe so unless it’s a relatively recent development.

Joe4983: Good.

Tulip90: A hairy back is the worst.

JaneWorldDestroyer: what happened five years ago, AdmiralNelson?

AdmiralNelson: five years ago?

JaneWorldDestroyer: You’ve been single five years?

Tulip90: Dish!!!

Joe4983: Don’t push.

JaneWorldDestroyer: sorry, you don’t have to obviously.

AdmiralNelson: I’d been seeing someone for a while. I’m not very exciting or charismatic. I was starting to be less interested in going out as much. He said it was simply that he fell for someone at work bit I suspect he was bored. I bored him.

Joe4983: Don’t.

JaneWorldDestroyer: He cheated on you?

Tulip90: That asshole!!!

AdmiralNelson: He said not. He said that nothing had happened.

JaneWorldDestroyer: I’m so sorry. That blows. You’re not boring.

Joe4983: Young guy?

AdmiralNelson: Ed? No. My age. However, I believe the object of his affection was twenty-seven.

Tulip90: How old was Ed???

AdmiralNelson: He would have been fifty.

JaneWorldDestroyer: He dumped you, a perfectly decent, lovely guy his own age, on the off chance some twink MIGHT be interested?

AdmiralNelson: Essentially.

Joe4983: Idiot.

Tulip90: You’re better off without him!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Preach

Joe4983: knocked your confidence?

AdmiralNelson: Yes, to quite a degree. I’ve never been particularly good with people at the best of times. I make a poor first impression.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Do you have your eye on anyone special?

Tulip90: A real person!!!

AdmiralNelson: There’s a woman that I find invigorating and intellectually stimulating.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Well, that’s too high a bar for me.

Tulip90: Ask her out!!!

Joe4983: it’s never that simple.

AdmiralNelson: Asking her out is impossible. Even if I wished too, which I don’t, I couldn’t.

JaneWorldDestroyer: No ears, huh?

Joe4983: Married?

Tulip90: forbidden romance!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: You’re married.

Tulip90: Ugh I know.

AdmiralNelson: she’s not married. She does dislike me and in any event we work together. It simply isn’t possible.

JaneWorldDestroyer: could she be shy rather than disliking you?

AdmiralNelson: Definitely not. She’s a confident, out-spoken woman who is rightly unapologetic for her sexual conquests. She isn’t nervous or uncomfortable, she simply dislikes me.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Damn. That’s a shame because she sounds AWESOME.

AdmiralNelson: she’s a complex woman.

Joe4983: Women are more difficult.

AdmiralNelson: Agreed

JaneWorldDestroyer: You think that because you’re men.

AdmiralNelson: Please don’t misunderstand me: I prefer the company of women. Women simply have more complex needs than men.

Tulip90: That’s so true!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: You’re confusing complexity with a lack of toxic masculinity. Western men are socialised to ignore their feelings, to condemn huge swathes of experience as “weak” or feminine, and to actively refuse to develop emotional intelligence and good mental health. It’s TRAGIC.

Joe4983: I have more things in common with men. Sports. Crafting.

Tulip90: Are you okay Janey???

AdmiralNelson: I won’t argue the point. I don’t believe we’re in disagreement. The cause is likely the toxic masculinity in culture, which I have noticed also affected some women, and the effect is that men has less well developed inner lives and emotional awareness.

Tulip90: what does it even mean??? “Toxic masculinity” what is it???

AdmiralNelson: An example JaneWorldDestroyer alludes to is that men are much less likely to seek mental health care because they’re worried it’s unmanly. It directly impacts the amount of suicide attempts in young men.

Tulip90: Therapy saved my life!!!

Joe4983: Getting sick broke my dad.

AdmiralNelson: I’m sorry. That sounds very painful.

JaneWorldDestroyer: The tumour?

Joe4983: Yes. He wouldn’t go to the doctor. Getting sick meant her wasn’t a “man” any more.

JaneWorldDestroyer – Joe4983: You okay, hon? You want me to change the subject?

Joe4983 – JaneWorldDestroyer: No. It’s fine.

Tulip90: But you’re really macho, Joe???

Joe4983 – Am I?

JaneWorldDestroyer: oh god yeah

AdmiralNelson: Masculinity, like femininity, is not widely good or bad. The problem is when it becomes toxic – it distorts and denies natural impulses. My father took pride in being a provider, but he didn’t feel insulted that my mother chose to work.

Tulip90: Is there toxic femininity???

JaneWorldDestroyer: thank god RealPatriot isn’t here.

AdmiralNelson: In theory I suppose there might be, but I’ve never heard of it.

Joe4983: Need a matriarchal society first.

Tulip90: All hail President Meyer!

AdmiralNelson: It’s not that simple I’m afraid.

Joe4983: Lots of queens in history. No matriarchies.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Hey, AdmiralNelson, your female co-worker sounds up for a matriarchy.

AdmiralNelson: Only if she is in charge.

Tulip90: Pushy women, euw!!!

Joe4983: Like a strong woman.

JaneWorldDestroyer: a girl with a bit of spirit, eh?

Joe4983: cheek.

***

JaneWorldDestroyer: It’s real simple – white wine, and lemon juice, fry the salmon at a low heat. Get some creme fraiche, add a squeeze of lemon or lime, and a tea spoon of honey. Use the creme fraiche as the dressing.

Joe4983: Would sour cream work?

JaneWorldDestroyer: I think you’d need more honey or less lemon juice.

RealPatriot: I’m gonna try this tonight.

AdmiralNelson – JaneWorldDestroyer: I have a favour to ask.

JaneWorldDestroyer – AdmiralNelson: Shoot!

AdmiralNelson – JaneWorldDestroyer: I have to go away for work for a few days. I was wondering if you would consider being an interim moderator while I’m away?’

JaneWorldDestroyer-AdmiralNelson: Oh. Wow. I think I can do that yes.

AdmiralNelson – JaneWorldDestroyer: Wonderful. Thank you.

JWB – AdmiralNelson: Thank you!

FORUM MESSAGE – BUTTF@CKER has joined the forum.

Tulip90: Is that allowed???

JWB: Ten dollars says he’s fourteen.

Buttf@cker: I was expecting more raw sex and less cookery.

Tulip90: You want Janey’s fic!!! There’s a link on the left.

Buttf@cker: I see it.

AdmiralNelson – Buttf@cker: what are you playing at?

Buttf@cker – ADG: Dunno what you’re talking about.

ADG – Buttf@cker: Your office door is open, Ben, I can SEE you.

RealPatriot: we’re letting just anyone in now?

AdmiralNelson: this is a public form, RealPatriot. Not a private club. Anyone can join more or less.

RealPatriot: We’re not vetting members?

AdmiralNelson: there no functionality for vetting other than banning people after they’ve joined.

JaneWorldDestroyer: West Winger made people fill in a form.

RealPatriot:He wanted to make sure no actual west wing assholes go in.

AdmiralNelson: But he worked in the West Wing.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Nobody said he wasn’t a giant hypocrite by point.

Buttf@cker: Giant asshole.

RealPatriot: Oh, you know him PERSONALLY I suppose?

AdmiralNelson-Buttf@cker: Don’t say a word about me.

Buttf@cker – AdmiralNelson: I’m not gonna do that. That’s no fucking fun.

Buttf@cker: Yeah, I know the giant jizz weasel. He worked more for Kent than for me but that shit stain got everywhere.

AdmiralNelson: Please moderate your language.

Buttf@cker: fucking seriously?

RealPatriot: this should be good. Exactly who are you claiming to be?

Buttf@cker: Ben Cafferty. Chief of Staff.

Joe4983: show day?

JaneWorldDestroyer: The IP address does say Washington D.C.

RealPatriot: BULLSHIT! Faking an address is easy. Ban this idiot, AdmiralNelson.

AdmiralNelson: why would the president’s chief of staff visit a forum discussing a staff member?

Buttf@cker: I’m kind of bored and this could gimmie a good laugh at Kent’s expense. You people write fuck stories about him and Meyer, right?

Joe4983: I recommend, “The World beyond,” by Tulip90. Quick before she panics and deletes it.

FORUM MESSAGE- BUTTF@CKER has left the form.

Tulip90: Hey!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Joe4983, you magnificent bastard.

AdmiralNelson: I don’t understand.

RealPatriot: It’s not a KD/SM story. It’s a KD/BC story.

AdmiralNelson: BC?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Ben Cafferty. It was for a bet. It’s amazingly filthy and explicit.

Tulip90: I feel picked on!!!

AdmiralNelson: Oh, dear God.

Joe4983: The full Cafferty experience.

RealPatriot: can you ban him now?

Joe4983: Pretending to be Cafferty isn’t against the rules.

JaneWorldDestroyer: can we vote him out?

AdmiralNelson: A moment.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Joe4983 wasn’t picking on you Tulip90.

Joe4983: No.

Tulip90: Good!!!

RealPatriot: He does deserve the good stuff anyway.

Tulip90: IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT WRITE YOUR OWN.

AdmiralNelson: It appears a simple majority vote will suffice.

RealPatriot: Ban him

JaneWorldDestroyer: Yup

Tulip90: Do it!!!

Joe4983: Banning people because we take an instant dislike seems a poor precedent.

AdmiralNelson: Acknowledged, nonetheless a simple majority has been achieved. I’ll ban him immediately.

Tulip90: I wonder if he liked my story???

 

 


	4. October (CLOVIS)

RealPatriot: Silicon Valley is a putrid den of millennial man-babies.

Joe4983: Get off my lawn etc

Tulip90: hahaha!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: the older I got the more I appreciate that sentiment. Why is some little shit on my lawn? Any asshole on my lawn is gelling sold to the child catcher.

RealPatriot: the only thing worse than arrogant young assholes is arrogant young assholes WITH MONEY.

Joe4983: someone can’t pull young.

Tulip90: LOL!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: I’m surprised you aren’t more bothered by OMG TECHNOLOGY IS EVIL AND WILL SPY ON US.

RealPatriot: we all know that. As a culture we are abandoning the basic concepts of privacy. It’s horrifying but it’s nothing new.

Joe4983: Cheery.

Tulip90: I thought he looked yummy!!! But what was going on with his feet???

RealPatriot? What?

Tulip90: They filmed him walking and his feet stuck out to the side???

Joe4983: It’s a weakening of the tendons. I have it.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Joe4983, fess up. Are you KD?

Joe4983: Nope.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Boo!

Joe4983: Disappointed?

JaneWorldDestroyer: That I don’t know what you look like.

Tulip90: Joe4983 is in Chicago, Janey!!!

Joe4983: Not as good as KD.

RealPatriot: Money does that. I’m ten years younger than him and he looks better than me.

Joe4983: Eight years older.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Men don’t age, Joe4983, they just mature. Like steak.

Joe4983: Not wine?

JaneWorldDestroyer: I figured that steak would be more your metier.

Joe4983: True

Tulip90: you’re 45 RealPatriot and Joe4983 is 63??? Wow!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: I thought you were older Joe.

RealPatriot: You talk like you’re ninety.

JaneWorldDestroyer: I thought that you were younger, RealPatriot.

Tulip90: YEARS younger.

RealPatriot: Sure, Toots, I’m the immature one.

Tulip90: Yup!                         

Joe4983: VPM botched the cracking question.

JaneWorldDestroyer: that’s the problem with politicians. Even when you get one who believes something enough money will make them re-think what’s important.

RealPatriot: It’s all about the money.

Tulip90: she looked super natural holding that baby.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Don’t you hate babies?

Tulip90: Oh god!!’So gross!!!

Joe4983: I would read a VPM baby story. Surprise pregnancy.

RealPatriot: nurturing KD would be hot.

JaneWorldDestroyer: You boys are so weird, I love it.

Joe4983: toxic masculinity, JaneWorldDestroyer.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Ack. I am ashamed.

Tulip90: I don’t get it???

Joe4983: Men can love children.

RealPatriot: And find nurturing hot AF.

Tulip90: That’s creepy!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Why is it okay for women to like babies but not men?

Tulip90: Nobody should like babies!!!

RealPatriot: Don’t have any then.

Tulip90: I won’t!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: I always wanted kids. Didn’t happen.

Joe4983: it’s still possible.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Tried frozen sperm until my savings ran dry. Now I’m forty and running out the clock. How about you RP, you ever want ankle biters?

RealPatriot: I like children, but the world is overpopulated already. I foster.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Kids?

RealPatriot: I have four right now.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Holy crap, I had NO idea. That’s so cool of you.

Joe4983: Bravo

RealPatriot: You want kids Joe4?

Joe4983: I have two. Bobby and Sarah.

RealPatriot: I forgot. Fuck.

Joe4983: No problem.

JaneWorldDestroyer: I bet you’re a great dad.

Tulip90: KD doesn’t it have any kids, right???

JaneWorldDestroyer: that we know of. He does have that man of mystery thing going on.

***

Tulip90: How was your business trip, AdmiralNelson???

AdmiralNelson: It was wonderful, thank you. Anything I missed?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Wonderful? Did someone get lucky?

Am: Not quite.

Joe4983: USA or UK “not quite?”

AdmiralNelson: USA.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Ooh!

RealPatriot: What’s USA or UK?

Tulip90: I know this one!!! USA not quite means nearly but UK means hardly at all!!! Like USA “quite well” means pretty good but UK means at death’s door!!!

RealPatriot: How is THAT in your knowledgebase?

Tulip90: I watch a lot of BBC shows!!!

Joe4983: Doctor Who and Sherlock?

Tulip90: How did you know???

Joe4983: wild guess.

JaneWorldDestroyer: We are SO off topic. AdmiralNelson, did you have smoochies with your female colleague who you’re crushing on?

AdmiralNelson: Yes.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Halle-fucking-jah!

Joe4983: Bravo

Tulip90: Cool! Hey, did you see the footage of VPM at Silicon Valley?

RealPatriot: JFC woman, give him time to enjoy his makeout session.

JaneWorldDestroyer: what happened? We want all the smoochy details.

RealPatriot: where was your trip?

AdmiralNelson: California

Joe4983: My old stomping ground.

AdmiralNelson: It was an overnight stay. It was a busy, relatively stressful day but we were getting on well throughout. I’m not technically in her reporting stream but she is senior to me.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Ooh, a woman with power does it for you?

AdmiralNelson: I appreciate a strong woman. I have no pathetic and controlling need to dominate a partner.

Tulip90: You like pushy princesses???

Joe4983: And princes.

Tulip90: Oops, forgot!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: so something happened in the evening?

AdmiralNelson: there had been an extremely serious potential problem. I handled it quietly. As far as I was aware she knew nothing of it. However, she mentioned it at dinner and was uncharacteristic in both her gratitude and praise.

Tulip90: Someone’s got a crush!!!

AdmiralNelson: she was sat opposite me. She squeezed my hand and said I was invaluable.

RealPatriot: Straight to the friend zone.

Joe4983: Hate that phrase.

AdmiralNelson: I also assumed it was a purely platonic gesture.

JaneWorldDestroyer: But you were okay?

AdmiralNelson: Certainly, I had no expectation of anything else. I never fat” owed” her romantic intentions. RP’s term of “friend zoned” implies that she rejected me. Vnoecjukd affection is something we do to ourselves. It’s my problem, not hers.

Tulip90: Blah blah. Get to the smooching!!!

Joe4983: Patience

AdmiralNelson: After dinner she wanted to discuss an upcoming meeting. One of our colleagues begged off. His shoulder was paining him. Another colleague had to take a call. We went to her room and we discussed the meeting. She took off her shoes.

Tulip90: Boom-chi cha- wow-wow

RealPatriot: the whole foot fetish thing comes from fear of STIs. That and mommy issues.

JaneWorldDestroyer: You have no poetry in your soul. Taking off her shoes indicates vulnerability.

AdmiralNelson: It felt very intimate. She asked a few more personal questions than normal. She indicated than her neck and shoulders were sore. The mood and atmosphere induced me to offer to massage them for her. Fortunately, she wasn’t offended.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Offended? She was seducing you!

Joe4983: Lucky boy.

AdmiralNelson: she made it clear she was enjoying it. Then she turned around. We were sat very close. She was looking at my eyes and mouth. Then she kissed me.

Tulip90: THIS IS LIKE YOUR STORY, JANEY!!! WHEN THEY’RE IN PARIS!!!

RealPatriot: Calm down before you bust a blood vessel. They didn’t even fuck, they just kissed.

Tulip90: kissing is better than fucking!!!

Joe4983: Doing it so wrong.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Everyone shut up! AdmiralNelson, what happened then?

AdmiralNelsom: Our colleague finished her call, came in, and nearly caught us.

RealPatriot: Damn it!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Are you not allowed to fraternise?

Tulip90: forbidden romance!!!

AdmiralNelson: it would be considered extremely inappropriate. I would likely be reassigned, and it would potentially damage her reputation.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Wow. That is some... Wow. Who do you work for, Christian Fundamentalists?

Tulip90: she married???

AdmiralNelson: she’s divorced.

Joe4983: Lots of old-fashioned people around.

RealPatriot: Being forbidden and keeping it secret makes it hotter. Worst thing that happened to hooking-up was tolerance.

Joe4983: Risk of being beaten up, losing your job, losing your family.

JaneWorldDestroyer: What’re you going to do now, AdmiralNelson?

AdmiralNelson: About?

JaneWorldDestroyer: ? The smoochies?

AdmiralNelson: there’s nothing to do. It was only a mercy that we weren’t caught. I don’t regret it, but repeating it would be foolhardy at best.

Joe4983: I’ve been there.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Really? What happened?

Joe4983: we said it wouldnt happen again.

RealPatriot: spoiler alert - it happened again.

Joe4983: Yup


	5. November (Fishing)

Private message

Buttf@cker - why does this fucking thing say I’m banned?

AdmiralNelson - Because you’re banned?

Buttf@cker - Well unban me

AdmiralNelson - You offended the forum fauna so much they took a vote to ban you. One abstention, one vote against, and the motion carried.

Buttf@cker - Touchy aren’t they? They need to get thicker skins.

AdmiralNelson – They’re the _general public_ , albeit members with a somewhat statistically higher incidence of introversion and anxiety.

Buttf@cker - is that why you’re hanging around with them, free polling? Because writing creepy sex fantasies about you and me fucking doesn’t exactly make them “normal.”

AdmiralNelson-I’m given to understand that particular story was written for a bet, not due to any genuine erotic preference for the concept.

Buttf@cker - Glistening 12 inch dick! Who the hell writes about you being hung like a god damn donkey?

AdmiralNelson - Glistening?

Buttf@cker - I’ve seen you in shorts. le you had a 12 inch dick it’d be right THERE.

AdmiralNelson - Why would it be glistening? Is it diseased?

Buttf@cker - And I haven’t been able to touch my toes since I was 14! How many men over fifty can touch their toes?

AdmiralNelson - I can. What are you talking about?

Buttf@cker - That scene where you lube me up and I grab my ankles.

AdmiralNelson – Dear Lord, WHAT are you talking about?

Buttf@cker - The story! Jesus. How can you not remember that?

AdmiralNelson – I didn’t read it!

Buttf@cker – Why not?

AdmiralNelson – Why on earth would I? You read the whole thing?

Buttf@cker - Yeah. it was fucking terrible. The ones with Selina are much better. Why do I get glistening cocks and “juicy meat” and she gets lingering love-making in Paris to sensual jazz?

AdmiralNelson - why are you reading them? Stop reading them!

Buttf@cker - tell that Jane to stop writing them. Or write one about me. A good one. Where I fuck you. Tell her to do that.

AdmiralNelson: I will certainly not.

Buttf@cker - Then unban me and I’ll ask her myself.

AdmiralNelson - NO

***

RealPatriot: We’re not close. I should be more worried.

JaneWorldDestroyer: No, come on, RealPatriot. He beat your ass when you came out.

Joe4983: He let you sleep in the _park_.

RealPatriot: that was a long time ago.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Yeah, sure, but your dad breached your trust and never built it back. It’s not on you to be a son when he wasn’t a father.

Tulip90: Screw him!!! He doesn’t deserve your worry!!!

AdmiralNelson: It’s not simple. Culture, Western attire, pushes family bonds as an absolute even many people have poor or non-existent relationships with their families. It inculcates guilt where none is warranted.

Joe4983: what does your mom say, RP?

RealPatriot: I should burn in hell. Usual stuff.

Tulip90: Hugs!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: God. Seriously. You need new parents.

RealPatriot: Joe4, what happened when you came out?

Joe4983: Lot of confusion.

AdmiralNelson: Out as bi or gay first?

Tulip90: why would you come out gay first??? Bi is only half gay!!! Half the problems!!!

RealPatriot: JFC

AdmiralNelson: Bisexuality is not well understood now. Let alone fifty years ago.

JaneWorldDestroyer: You don’t even believe in bisexuality, RP

RealPatriot: Because its gay and hiding. Not “half gay.”

Tulip90: that’s not true!!!

Joe4983: mommy, the bigots are arguing.

AdmiralNelson: Real Patriot, I won’t warn you again about making bi phobic comments. M: I’m not a bigot!!!

AdmiralNelson: Tulip90, bisexuality is commonly thought of as being “half-gay” but that is an incorrect and ignorant interpretation.

Tulip90: He’s got no right calling me a bigot!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: God, woman, how would you feel if someone said being Jewish was “half-Christian”? It was a dumb thing to say and Joe4 has had forty years of bar people saying dumb, ignorant, BIGOTED things about his sex idly.

AdmiralNelson - JaneWorldDestroyer: Are you alright? You seem uncharacteristically testy.

JaneWorldDestroyer- AdmiralNelson: Yes. Joe’s not good at standing up for himself.

It makes me all mama-bear. I’m not going to apologise.

Forum message - Tulip90 has left the forum.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Oops

Joe4983: Thanks, Janey. She doesn’t mean ill, but...

RealPatriot: she just wants attention.

JaneWorldDestroyer: This convo went off the rails.  

RealPatriot: My parents turn everything to shit. Even conversations they’re not in.

AdmiralNelson: I don’t wish to speak out of turn, RealPatriot, but illness of a parent, even an estranged one can be difficult, and their loss traumatic. Do you have someone you can talk to?

R9: I’m gay not a girl. I don’t need any new-age therapy bullshit. I have actual fucking friends.

JaneWorldDestroyer: translation, I’m shit scared and acting like a parody of a “manly man” is my safe place.

Joe4983: You can talk to us, RP.

RealPatriot: Yeah. I know

***

Tulip90: The gossip is that VPM is going to see Sec Def Maddox to ask him to be her running mate!!!

RealPatriot: That’s a terrible idea.

AdmiralNelson: why do you think that?

RealPatriot: Diversity bingo. A woman and a black guy. Come on. Couldn’t she find someone who was gay and disabled too?

AdmiralNelson: They’re in rather short supply in Congress.

JaneWorldDestroyer: or maybe she’s just trying to pick the person for the job?

Joe4983: Not Sec Def Maddox.

AdmiralNelson: He doesn’t seem to have a great reputation with the general public.

Joe4983: Dumb. Grumpy. Opinionated.

Tulip90: Ox by name!!!

AdmiralNelson: who would be better?

Tulip90: KD!!!

AdmiralNelson: Who realistically would be better?

JaneWorldDestroyer: then they’d definitely never get together.

RealPatriot:the president Woking the vice president. what a cringe-worthy idea.

Joe4983: Don’t know his politics.

AdmiralNelson: Give his low profile generally it seems unlikely he would welcome the kind of sorority that accompanies being a politician.

RealPatriot:for the best. Did you see the profile on Cafferty in the Post? That asshole has been married four times, worked as a consultant for corrupt regimes everywhere, and openly doesn’t give a shit about things like getting drunk at work. And he’s chief of staff for the president!

JaneWorldDestroyer: You think all regimes are corrupt.

RealPatriot: There are levels of corruption.

Tulip90: It’s all very tense in the VPS camp!!!

RealPatriot: I’d be tense if Maddox was gonna be hired at the quarry.

Tulip90: No, for campaign manager!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Maddox is going to be campaign manager?

AdmiralNelson: I believe Tulip90 means that competition for the campaign manager job is making things tense.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Moron here, why would anyone want that job? It’s all responsibility and no glory.

AdmiralNelson: Not at all moronic. Younger staffers seek what they imagine to be a prestige position or authority.

JaneWorldDestroyer: But...?

Joe4983: scapegoats.

AdmiralNelson: Indeed.

Tulip90: All flash, no dash!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: story idea - denied! Doh.

Tulip90: oh no!!! What was it???

JaneWorldDestroyer: Just a vague idea about KD being VPM’s campaign manager.

AdmiralNelson: Impractical. A presidential staffer cannot also work for the Vice President as campaign staff.

Tulip90: He couldn’t even work for the president as campaign staff!!! Administration and campaign have to be different!!!

RealPatriot: And he wouldn’t want to anyway. Because it sucks.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Probably for the best. If he was working for her then the power dynamics would be all kinds of weird and uncomfortable

AdmiralNelson: it would be wildly inappropriate and might affect her reputation.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Whoa, déjà vu. Why does that sound so familiar?

Tulip90: It’s SLASH FIC who cares if it’s realistic???

JaneWorldDestroyer: I care.

Joe4983: Jane takes pride in her work.

RealPatriot: fucked up power dynamics are hot. Why not write that? It’s not like she can rape him for fuck’s sake.

Joe4983: Men can be raped.

RealPatriot: Yeah. But not by a woman. Let alone a tiny one like VPM.

JaneWorldDestoyer: I’ve never met anyone as consistency on the wrong side of history.

Tulip90: Men can’t be raped!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: My mistake.

AdmiralNelson: Federal law recognises that men and women are both capable of committing rape and being victims of it.

Joe4983: Survivors. Not victims.

RealPatriot: women don’t get to tell men what can and can’t happen to them.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Worms! Out of the can! All over the floor!

Joe4983: Beautiful.

Tulip90: I’m allowed my opinion!!!

RealPatriot: And I’m allowed to tell you that your opinion is fucking WRONG. It’s not valid. It’s not equal. It’s just WRONG!

Tulip90: I’VE BEEN RAPED!

RealPatriot: So have I!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer - AdmiralNelson: You take RealPatriot and I’ll take Tulip90?

AdmiralNelson - JaneWorldDestroyer: Right

AdmiralNelson - RealPatriot: You need a minute?

RealPatriot – AdmiralNelson: You gonna fucking ban me?

AdmiralNelson - RealPatriot: No.

RealPatriot - AdmiralNelson: then what do you want?

AdmiralNelson - RealPatriot: To tell you that I’m hear for whatever you need.

JaneWorldDestroyer – Tulip90: You okay, sweetheart?

Tulip90 - JaneWorldDestroyer: Is everyone laughing at me???

JaneWorldDestroyer – Tulip90: Absolutely not. Nobody is laughing at you.

Tulip90: Sorry for losing my cool everyone

RealPatriot: Me too.

Joe4983: Need to talk?

Tulip90: No. I need to know what’s happening in Janey’s new story.

RealPatriot: with lots of fucking.

***

Joe4983: This is why I don’t miss working.

Tulip90: co-workers are assholes!!!

AdmiralNelson: I had more patience for other people’s drama when I was younger. Now I find myself bored by it.

JaneWorldDestroyer: so this is a guy and a girl competing for the same job? Is there like sexual tension too?

AdmiralNelson: constantly, yes.

Tulip90: I miss sexual tension!!!

Joe4983: other people’s?

JaneWorldDestroyer: that’s gonna end in tears. Hey, Admiral Nelson, how’s your lady friend?

Ada: I assume from the context that you also consider it a doomed proposition!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Doh

Tulip90: You’re in Washington D. C.!!! Everyone in D. C. is fucking everyone all the time!!!

Joe4983: story idea Janey

JaneWorldDestroyer: Ha! Is that true?

AdmiralNelson: There are frequent affairs and cheating, yes. Also, alcoholism and drug abuse. It is a stressful environment and people frequently respond to extreme stress in self-destructive ways.

RealPatriot: Nothing to do with money grubbing, base corruption, and all manner of sexual depravity.

AdmiralNelson: I’m going to the wrong parties.

Tulip90: Me too!!!

JDW: Road trip to all the depravity parties: you in Joe4?

Joe4983: Yup. It’s been too long.

AdmiralNelson: Since you were in D. C.?

Joe4983: Since the last sex party.

AdmiralNelson: I can never tell if you’re joking.

Joe4983: Good.

JaneWorldDestroyer: You were a cop in San Francisco right, Joe? I can believe you busted up some sex parties.

RealPatriot: Because cops are all about interrupting private citizens minding their own business.

Tulip90: You called it sexual depravity!!!

RealPatriot: It doesn’t mean I’m in favour of cops stomping everywhere. I can believe both things at once.

JaneWorldDestroyer: You are a complex man, RP.

Tulip90: so, are you having wild forbidden passionate sex with the lady from work, AdmiralNelson?

AdmiralNelson: I am not.

Tulip90: Boo!!!

AdmiralNelson: We don’t spend much time alone.

JaneWorldDestroyer: You haven’t talked about it?

AdmiralNelson: No, and I can’t imagine that we will. It would be extremely uncomfortable.

Joe4983: You still like her.

AdmiralNelson: I don’t rush to affection or to lose it.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Did she go to this dinner party from hell?

AdmiralNelson: Fortunately not. She never socialises with anyone below her level.

Tulip90: who wants to party with the boss???

RealPatriot: Brownnosers trying to get ahead.

Joe4983: Networking

JaneWorldDestroyer: w's a tricky balance when yoire the boss. You want to foster a good idiom ship with your subordinates but you also don't want to weaken your authority and respect they have for you.

Joe4983: found the boss.

JaneWorldDestroyer: I didn't say that!

RealPatriot: Are you denying being a filthy capitalist pig?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Yao: a boss too!

RealPatriot: I'm a beer tanking, ford diving, blue collar guy. JaneWorldDestroyer: Are you winding me up?

RealPatriot: bit working?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Asshole.

RealPatriot: Lawyer

JaneWorldDestroyer: Lawyer is not an insult

RealPatriot: Wanna bet?

Tulip90:You should have a dinner party and invite her!!!

AdmiralNelson: Good lord, no.

JaneWorldDestroyer: why? Are you gross and disgusting?

Joe4983: Dirty dishes

Tulip90: Rats in the bathroom!!!

RealPatriot: Girly pictures on the wall.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Damn Tulip 90, going in hot.

Joe4983 RP you need to meet people who aren't miners.

RealPatriot:?

JaneWorldDestroyer: seriously, most people would'nt dream of putting "girly" pictures up.

AdmiralNelson: Unless one radically abuses the term to include classical art.

Joe4983: Lots of male nudes.

Tulip90: All with tiny decks.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Tulip90, genuine question, how large do you think a penis normally is?

Joe4: Uh-oh

Tulip90: No, IDK, ten inches??? Why???

RealPatriot: JFC woman, watch less gay porn and meet more actual human men.

Joe4983: Lucky husband.

AdmiralNelson: In fact, the average size of an erect penis for American men is 6.5 inches.

JaneWorldDestroyer: How do you even know that?

RealPatriot: Only a woman would ask that.

Ta: I was nearly right!!!

AdmiralNelson: If one assumes a 35% margin of error.

RealPatriot: Does your husband keep telling you his in ten inches?

Tulip90: Like he ever talks about it!!! I'm too busy! I'm too tired! I'm not in the mood. Doesn’t he realise that I have needs too!!!

AdmiralNelson: I'm not sure we're the best group to help you with that.

RealPatriot: He's either cheating or he's gonna divorce you.

Joe4: or gay.

RealPatriot: Good call.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Ignore them. Tulip90! It's no wonder they're single.

Tulip90: I wish any of those were.  true!!! I would divorce him so quickly!!!

AdmiralNelson: This took a turn.

Joe4983: Cheating doesn't to be the end.

AdmiralNelson: It's extraordinarily difficult to come back from. The trust is destroyed and that is hard to rebuild.

Joe4983: We did it.

JaneWorldDestroyer: You and your wife?

Joe4983: Yes.

RealPatriot: You THINK she forgave you and trusted you again.

Joe4983: No. I know I did.

RealPatriot: Fuck. Sorry man.

Tulip90: Hands up any cheaters

RealPatriot: Not me

JaneWorldDestroyer: Kind of.

Joe4983: No

Tulip90: kind of???

AdmiralNelson: Yes.

RealPatriot: Look at that, the troublemakers, me and T9, didn't but the goody-two-shoes did.

Foe 4: I didn't and Tulip90 didn't say.

RealPatriot: Ten dollars she married a virgin

Tulip90: Hey!!! That's none of your business!!!

RealPatriot: Told ya.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Cheating isn't jest sex. I kissed another guy. I didn't think it was cheating but I was roundly disabused.

RealPatriot: Kissing someone else is cheating? Fuck. I need to change my answer.

Tulip90: Ha!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: what about you, Admiral Nelson?

AdmiralNelson: It's very unedifying I'm afraid. I was dating a lady. Things had struck a difficult patch. She wanted children and I ambivalent. At a Christmas party I began a conversation with a colleague's wife. She had just seen him in a compromising position with another woman. She wanted revenge. I was rather drunk and deeply self-pitying.

RealPatriot: Thought you didn't go to those kinds of parties?

AdmiralNelson: I don't anymore.

Joe4983: What happened?

AdmiralNelson: She tried to forgive me, but she couldn't. I don't blame her. It was a terrible thing to do. It was a very long time ago, but I still regret it deeply.

JaneWorldDestroyer: We all make mistakes, AdmiralNelson.

RealPatriot: Like your buddy bringing his swimmers to dinner.

Tulip90: EW!!!


	6. November (Detroit)

Tulip90: OMG so excited for you, RP!!!

AdmiralNelson: You live in D. C. You could see the VP yourself if you really wished.

Tulip90: But RealPatriot doesn't!!!

RealPatriot: I'm going to a protest, Tulip90. I don't think I'll be getting a real good look.

AdmiralNelson: You're protesting the VP? May I ask why you would do that?

RealPatriot: She's a part of the military-industrial complex which slaughters millions of our young men, warps our culture, and siphons off natural resources by the tanker load.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Last week you asked me to write a sappy story of VPM telling KD she loooooved him. Is she an evil agent of the government or a sappy love struck type?

RealPatriot: She can be both.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Hmm. How?

RealPatriot: Because life is complicated, and people are fucking complex!

Tulip90: Women can be both!!!

AdmiralNelson: That's not a hill I'd choose to die on.

Joe4983: Be safe, RealPatriot.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Safe?

AdmiralNelson: It’s hardly unknown for protests to become violent.

RealPatriot: Between fascist cops and the secret service I anticipate getting the shit kicked out of me.

Joe4983: Could that interfere with your fostering?

RealPatriot: You think?

Joe4983: Just be careful. Okay?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Do you have a lawyer?

RealPatriot: Yeah.

Tulip90: Everyone stop freaking RealPatriot out!!! It's so mean!!!

AdmiralNelson: Genuine concern for a friend is not “mean.”

RealPatriot: I get it guys. Thanks.

***

Tulip90: Holy crap!!! Did you see what happened?

Joe4983: Seeing reports of a shooting.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Twitter says not. A protestor broke through and got punched by Catherine Meyer.

Joe4983: Embarrassing

JaneWorldDestroyer: That a protestor broke through?

Joe4983: No. Got punched by CM.

Tulip90: Ooh, you're right Janey!!! Statement just released that it was a protestor going too far and everyone is fine!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Everyone is in Detroit. Who is releasing statements?

Joe4983: Jane, quick, turn on and watch the press statement.

Tulip90: What? What?

JaneWorldDestroyer: KD is giving the statement! This is not a drill!

Joe4983: Looks good.

JaneWorldDestroyer: He's nervous.

Joe4983: Not his usual thing.

JaneWorldDestroyer: I wasn't complaining.

Tulip90: Why do you think he's nervous???

Joe4983: Body language.

JaneWorldDestroyer: His voice is a little wavery and he's avoiding looking at the cameras directly.

Tulip90: Poor baby!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Ha! He just slapped down the Washington Post gm.

Tulip90: Leon West is an ASSHOLE!!! Everyone hates him!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Is KD working for VPM now?

Tulip90: Noooo, not officially. KD and Cafferty are helping out!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Interesting...

AdmiralNelson: Good evening.

Tulip90: Did you see KD giving a press statement???

Tulip90: Also hello!!!

AdmiralNelson: What did you all think?

Tulip90: Swoon!!!

Joe4983: He was a little stiff. So, to speak.

JaneWorldDestroyer: He was obviously nervous, but you could see a lot of his humour. I really liked that. The dry, witty humour.

Tulip90: I didn't hear any jokes???

AdmiralNelson: There weren't any jokes. There were humorous comments. They are connected but distinct.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Did you hear about CM punching a protestor?

AdmiralNelson: That was unprecedented. What did you think?

Tulip90: She was AWESOME!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Was he even actually threatening them?

Joe4983: Hair trigger temper.

AdmiralNelson: It was a stressful situation.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Yeah, but she’s a grown woman, not a kid.

Joe4983: Nobody looks good.

Tulip90: Except KD!!!

Joe4983: In the situation.

Tulip90: Mark says that it makes her look more relate able!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: oh, sure. We’ve all punched someone protesting our mom’s politics. Twice a week sometimes.

Joe4983: RealPatriot isn’t answering texts.

JaneWorldDestroyer: he’s probably busy. You worrying?

Joe4983: Little bit.

AdmiralNelson: there’s no other record of violence at the protest.

Joe4983: I’ve policed protests. There’s violence.

Tulip90: I’ll go and ask Mark!!! He’ll know!!!

Admiral Nelson: why would he?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Because she’s clearly banging him.

AdmiralNelson: Oh.

Joe4983: Yup.

AdmiralNelson: I never pick up on those things.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Bigger fish to fry?

AdmiralNelson: Impersonal relationships are not my strong sit.

JaneWorldDestroyer: How’s it going with your net-boss, not-girlfriend?

AdmiralNelson: she’s sleeping with her fitness trainer.

JaneWorldDestroyer: what?

Joe4983: sorry buddy.

JaneWorldDestroyer: she’s boinking the trainer? And she what... told you?

AdmiralNelson: No, she’s simply not very discrete.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Are you okay?

AdmiralNelson: Of course.

Joe4983: Another lower status person.

AdmiralNelson: I don’t follow.

JaneWorldDestroyer: well... if a guy flirted with a woman who was a little junior, kissed her, and then slept with his trainer, we’d be calling him kind of a predator.

Joe4983: A creep.

AdmiralNelson: Are you saying that in an effort to make me feel better?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Partly bet the predator thing is also the ho. So, you know, be careful. We don’t want you getting your heart broken.

AdmiralNelson: You’re very kind.

Tulip90: I’m back!!!

Joe4983: You left?

Tulip90: Oops!!! I forgot to log out!!!

AdmiralNelson: Joe4983, you have a cell number for RealPatriot?

JaneWorldDestroyer: so much for his security measures. And you an ex-cop too. what he thinking?

Joe 4983: the’s lonely... I don’t get out much. He checks upon me. JaneWorldDestroyer: Are you sure you’re okay with me visiting?

Joe 4983: Of course.

Tulip90: Hello!!! I spoke to Mark and he called his “connection” and guess what he said???

AdmiralNelson: One arrest, the protestor, and a handful of minor injuries. The protestor is being treated in hospital before he’s questioned.

Tulip90: How do you know that???

AdmiralNelson: “Connections.”

Joe 4983: still no reply from RealPatriot.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Do you know his real name, Joe4983?

Tulip90: Wait, you guys are meeting up?

Joe4983: Not his full name. His first name is Bob.

AdmiralNelson: what are you thinking, JaneWorldDestroyer?

JaneWorldDestroyer: If we knew his name I could check is he’s been admitted into hospital.

AdmiralNelson: I’ll check his signup info.

Tulip90: he’s probably broken his cell or something!!!

Joe4983: Hope you’re right.

* * *

RealPatriot: I’m back!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Hi! We worried ourselves sick.

Tulip90: Me too!!! We thought you were arrested or something, LOL!!!

RealPatriot: I WAS arrested. They interrogated me for hours. Didn’t you see the news?

Joe4983: Just the guy who CM punched.

RealPatriot: That fucking hurt.

JaneWorldDestroyer: NO

Tulip90: OMG ROFLMAO!!!!!!!

Joe4983: You got punched?

AdmiralNelson: Are you injured?

RealPatriot: The police fucked up! I didn’t break through, they pushed me through the barrier.

JaneWorldDestroyer: You should consider legal action.

Tulip90: this is amazing!!!

RealPatriot: You want amazing? KD had me released.

JaneWorldDestroyer: WHAT?

Tulip90: You lie!!!

AdmiralNelson: That seems improbable.

Joe 4983: start at the beginning.

RealPatriot: I got dragged into an interrogation and berated for hours. Okay. Then there was suddenly this big panic. People coming in and out. Huddling together and whispering. Then I see them looking over printouts from the forum.

JaneWorldDestroyer: The fuck you say.

RealPatriot: They had printouts. I saw our avatars.

Joe4983: That might be my fault. I texted you several times. I probably mentioned that we were concerned.

AdmiralNelson: I’m sure they only checked this isn’t some radicalisation site.

RealPatriot: Then they dragged me out and I saw KD in another room.

AdmiralNelson: That could be a coincidence.

RealPatriot: Fuck no. He was holding a printout of the forum and as I went through I heard him say I was “a completely harmless crank.”

Tulip90: Burn!!!

Joe4983: Uncalled for

AdmiralNelson: Real Patriot, I’m sure that no offense was meant.

RealPatriot: I’ve been called much worse.

JaneWorldDestroyer: You’ve been called worse HERE.

Joe4983: Mostly by Tulip90.

RealPatriot: Right. I’m not offended. I’m grateful. I was worried about the kids, but my lawyer said it’s been wiped from my record.

Joe4983: Already?

RealPatriot: I can only assume KD polled some strings. it’s not going to look good then beating up a “harmless crank” who fosters kids. ADG: Bad PR.

RealPatriot: Right.

JaneWorldDestroyer: I hope you’re right. God, the idea of them scouring the forum... If I though KD read any of MY messages, I would die.

Tulip90: OMG are you nuts??? That would be amazing!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Amazingly horrific. I don’t want him knowing I’m over here fantasising about him. We’d both be traumatised.

Joe 4983: No man would be traumatised.

RealPatriot: grossed out maybe.

AdmiralNelson: And people working in politics have thick skins, Jane. Doubtless a few completely harmless fantasies are nothing compared to the abuse suffered daily in a high stress environment like the West Wing.

Tulip90: RealPatriot, how did KD look??? Did you see him close up???

RealPatriot: Very handsome. Bigger than I expected.

Tulip90: LOL!!!

Joe4983: ...Taller?

RealPatriot: kind of rangy. All long arms and legs. His hair is so carefully cut. Lots of layers. It must look like a hedge grown out.

AdmiralNelson: Your children must have been concerned by your absence.

RealPatriot: I took them to respite. They didn’t know anything about it and they won’t.

Tulip90: I’m so jealous!!!

RealPatriot: that I was arrested?

Tulip90: That you saw KD in person!!! OH MY GOD, KD KNOWS WHO YOU ARE!!!

Joe4983: For good or ill.

RealPatriot: I know! KD knows my name, and what I look like. It still doesn’t feel real.

 


	7. December (Special Relationship)

JaneWorldDestroyer: Does everyone have plans for the holidays?

Tulip90: UGH going to the MIL.

Joe4983: Family dinner.

JaneWorldDestroyer: You cooking?

Joe4983: No, my son.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Nice?

Joe4983: Yes. We rotate. It’s his turn.

AdmiralNelson: And you, Jane?

JaneWorldDestroyer: I am curling up with my cats and a Chinese banquet. It will be awesome.

Tulip90: Oh no you poor thing!!!

AdmiralNelson: Jane sounds entirely happy with her dinner options.

Joe4983 – JaneWorldDestroyer: You going to be okay?

JaneWorldDestroyer – Sure!

Joe4983 – JaneWorldDestroyer: My kids are always asking if I want to bring a friend to Christmas dinner.

JaneWorldDestroyer – Joe4983: Ohhh you should take some big hairy biker type!

Joe4983 – JaneWorldDestroyer: I’m asking you, aren’t I?

JaneWorldDestroyer – Joe4983: HA!

Tulip90: What are you doing for the holidays, AdmiralNelson???

AdmiralNelson: I’m spending Christmas Day with family. My mother is no longer well enough to host, although she was extremely reluctant to admit it, so my sister is filling the breach.

RealPatriot: Your sister’s got kids, right? Christmas is for kids. Jane’s right not to get sucked into all the bullshit.

AdmiralNelson: My older sister has two boys and my younger sister has one girl. They’re all under eleven so it’s quite a boisterous environment.

Tulip90: My idea of HELL.

AdmiralNelson: I’m not entirely used to the sensation. Nonetheless I do quite enjoy it. Children frequently have a point of view that adults find oblique at best. Their honesty can be more baffling than an adult’s deceit and a children’s lie can be opaquer than an adult’s truth.

Joe4983: They’re young then?

AdmiralNelson: I believe eleven, six, and three.

RealPatriot: They’re all innocent and credulous. Don’t tell them any ridiculous lies.

AdmiralNelson: None of them believe in Santa.

RealPatriot: My uncle told me that when I lied a red spot appeared on my forehead. I believe that for fucking YEARS. Every time I lied I covered my forehead with my hand.

JaneWorldDestroyer: That is EVIL GENIUS.                   

AdmiralNelson: Lying is a social skill.

Joe4983: For lawyers and politicians

AdmiralNelson: For everyone. Little white lies are necessary to smooth the path of social interaction. Larger lies are necessary to live with the choices we make and the natural consequences. We tell ourselves huge lies simply to get through the day.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Like what?

AdmiralNelson: We’re all going to die. One day the sun will swallow the Earth. At any moment a meteorite could slam into the planet. We lie to ourselves and our loved ones everyday that our lives are more than a heartbeat in the life of the planet. That the life of this planet is less than a blink of time in the universe.

FORUM MESSAGE – Tulip90 has left the forum.

Joe4983: Understandable

RealPatriot: You okay, AdmiralNelson?

JaneWorldDestroyer: That’s some heavy stuff, AdmiralNelson.

AdmiralNelson: I’m fine. Merely providing examples of the lies that we tell ourselves.

***

Tulip90: I want AdmiralNelson’s job. I can’t believe he’s away for work AGAIN. Do we know where he is?

JaneWorldDestroyer: In Europe, I’m pretty sure.

Joe4983: England?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Ah, you’re thinking what I’m thinking.

Tulip90: What? What are you thinking?

Joe4983: Works for VPM.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Ding, ding, ding. Give that man a cigar!

RealPatriot: Why wouldn’t he just fucking SAY? WestWinger said he worked in the West Wing.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Yeah, and remember how he blew in after AdmiralNelson took over, freaked the hell out, and ran off screaming?

Joe4983: AdmiralNelson scared him off.

RealPatriot: He could be a reporter.

JaneWorldDestroyer: RealPatriot, you’re the wild conspiracy guy. Why’s this so hard for you to swallow?

Joe4983: Not wild enough.

RealPatriot: I’m just saying there are other options.

Tulip90: He’s not one of ours!!! I’ll ask around and see if anyone will claim him!!!

RealPatriot: Jane, you’ve got moderator rights, haven’t you? You could check his membership info. See what’s on there.

Joe4983: Can’t do that.

JaneWorldDestroyer: I’m not doing that.

Tulip90: Goody two shoes!!!

RealPatriot: You’re an ex-cop, Joe. C’mon, you’ve done worse than look at a website record.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Whoa, that is not cool!

Joe4983: Not dirty. Never dirty.

JaneWorldDestroyer: It’s one thing for you to assume that “cops” are corrupt and all that bullshit. It’s a totally different thing to accuse Joe of being dirty.

RealPatriot: Jesus, Jane, calm down. It’s not like I said he beat up suspects or killed black motorists for speeding.

Joe4983: You implied

RealPatriot: Fuck. Sorry. That’s not what I meant. I know you’re a good guy.

Tulip90: Everyone kiss and make up!!!

Joe4983: Okay.

JaneWorldDestroyer: AdmiralNelson’s gone for two days and we start yelling at each other. Some moderator I am!

Tulip90: We need another topic!!!

Joe4983: VPM’s hat

Tulip90: OMG!!! That was so huge!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: If nothing else that hat proves that she’s not boinking KD.

RealPatriot: That hat was bad strategy.

Joe4983: Never persuaded my wife to change her clothes

JaneWorldDestroyer: Did you try often?

Joe4983: Only once. Never again.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Cute. But this isn’t you telling your wife that pink polka dots aren’t a good look. VPM was making a public appearance and KD is a strategist. If he was dating her then he’d told her flat that the hat looked like you could string a hot air balloon underneath it.

Tulip90: Rumour is that she’s sleeping with her trainer!!!

RealPatriot: The lunatic who believes that disabled people are being punished?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Bleugh, I HOPE that’s not true. Doesn’t show a lot of good judgement for VPM. I don’t care how fit and good looking the man might be. That’s an ugly AF attitude.

Joe4983: Not an obvious one. She might not have known.

Tulip90: Stupid people are stupid!!! Stupid people have stupid attitudes!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Yup. If you sleep with someone who has more toes than brain cells, you should expect them to say and do things that might embarrass you. If you’re a big name politician then you only have yourself to blame.

RealPatriot: Yeah, right. Men had been sticking their dicks in dumb-but-pretty since the dawn of time. But a woman does it and it’s a big deal.

JaneWorldDestroyer: It’s not a gender thing! If KD was boning HIS trainer and she said the same thing I’d be equally disgusted and disappointed!

Tulip90: Do you think he does casual sex? It’s so difficult to tell with men.

Joe4983: Why?

Tulip90: It’s not like men dress slutty is it???

RealPatriot: JFC. How old are you? Is “90” your age?

Joe4983: Visit SF sometime. Lots of pretty boys in suggestive clothes.

Tulip90: It’s when I was born!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Jesus, I feel 900 years old.

RealPatriot: A well-tailored suit is much more attractive than torn jeans, sheer shirts, pierced nipples, or any of that nonsense.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Oh God, I can’t breathe!

Joe4983: What’s wrong?

JaneWorldDestroyer: I’m imagining KD in torn jeans, a sheer shirt, and pierced nipples.


	8. December (Debate)

JaneWorldDestroyer: Hey, AdmiralNelson, would you settle a bet for us?

Admiral Nelson: I’m both intrigued and concerned.

JaneWorldDestroyer: We were discussing work and we realised that we don’t know what you do. I’m a lawyer, Joe was a cop, Tulip is a copy editor, and RealPatriot owns a quarry. Me and Joe think you’re a staffer of some kind. Tulip thinks you’re maybe a reporter. RealPatriot isn’t committing himself. You want to put us out of our misery?

AdmiralNelson: I’m a staffer. That’s all the news that’s fit to print.

RealPatriot: Whose staff?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Bzzt! Boundaries, RP. I’m not telling anyone the name of my firm and I don’t hear Tulip90 saying the name of her newspaper.

AdmiralNelson: I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to say.

Joe4983: I agree.

Tulip90: You’re just miffed that they were right!!!

RealPatriot: A cop SHOULD be better at detecting mysteries and stuff.

Joe4983: I was a beat cop.

AdmiralNelson: What’s your excuse, JaneWorldDestroyer?

JaneWorldDestroyer: I read too many crime novels.

AdmiralNelson: Modern or classic?

JaneWorldDestroyer: I had a Golden Age period when I was a kid but I’m mostly modern now. Not ALL modern, obviously, that would be a full-time job. I have no interest in Scandi-Noir. Way too depressing for me.

Joe4983: Hate crime novels.

RealPatriot: The expert problem, Joe? Like doctors hate seeing medical dramas and stuff.

Tulip90: Why???

JaneWorldDestroyer: They always fuck it up. I’m the same with law shows.

AdmiralNelson: Law shows have an unfortunate tendency to descend into soap opera for some reason.

RealPatriot: All that fucking and drinking.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Those tend to be true enough, LOL.

Tulip90: What about political shows, AdmiralNelson??? Do you watch those are they accurate???

AdmiralNelson: They’re complete fantasies. They’re either utterly idealistic claptrap or paranoid nonsense. Certainly there are moments of tension and conflict, perhaps more than with other professions, but by-and-large it is people being people. Sometimes that includes people being petty, childish, or selfish.

JaneWorldDestroyer: That’s not news. We heard all kinds of stories from WestWinger.

RealPatriot: AdmiralNelson, do you know WestWinger personally?

AdmiralNelson: Unfortunately, everyone knows Jonah. He is… irrepressible. Even the crash of his website has done nothing to remove him.

RealPatriot: You know what he’s doing now?

AdmiralNelson: He’s working for Def Sec Maddox.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Eesh.

Tulip90: Are we all excited for the debate tonight??? I hope VPM does okay!!!

Joe4983: She’ll be fine.

JaneWorldDestroyer: You sound confident

Joe4983: Saw her at a signing.

Tulip90: Did you talk to her???

Joe4983: Hello. Joe. Thank you very much.

JWD: You ladykiller.

J4: She was busy. I was nervous.  

ADMN: I’m sure she would have appreciated your brevity. Nervous people can be… socially inappropriate.

JWD: It’s cute. Great big beefy man all nervous.

RealPatriot: … Big beefy man? Really?

JWD: Hands like hams.

Tulip90: I forgot you met up!!! I’m so jealous!!!

RealPatriot: Me too.

JWD: You should be.

AdmiralNelson: Is there something you’d like to share with the group?  

JWD: Not for another seven weeks.

Tulip90: What happens in seven weeks???

AdmiralNelson: Would I be correct in assuming your meetup was 5 weeks ago?

Joe4: You’re quick.

RealPatriot: So, 12 weeks in total? I don’t get it.

Tulip90: Me either???

JWD: It’s no big, RP.

AdmiralNelson – JWD: I’m sure that you have the situation well in hand, Jane, but my sister is head of obstetrics at Mount Sinai in New York. I’m sure that she would be happy to answer any questions you might have.

JWD – AdmiralNelson: That’s incredibly sweet of you. Thank you. Can you DM me her number just in case I need it?

JWD: Speaking of beefy men, what happened with your not-boss, AdmiralNelson? Is she still bumping uglies with her trainer?

AdmiralNelson: I don’t believe so. It would be rather awkward if so.

RealPatriot: It wasn’t awkward before that?

AdmiralNelson: I hadn’t fired him before that.

JWD: OOOH

Joe4983: For another reason?

AdmiralNelson: Certainly. If I’d fired him for sleeping with her then he would have an extremely good case for claiming sexual harassment.

JWD: Eh, it’s very difficult to prove ESPECIALLY for men. A lot of claims are settled out of court to avoid potential poor PR.

RealPatriot: A woman can’t sexually harass a man.

Joe4: Not this again.

JWD: Right, moving on. Are you gonna make a move if she’s single, AdmiralNelson?

RealPatriot: You called her a predator!

JWD: AdmiralNelson is a grown-up, he can make his own choices. As long as he’s doing it with his eyes open.

AdmiralNelson: Although Jane is quite correct to be concerned, and I appreciate her concern, I don’t believe the lady in question to be predatory. I think that she is essentially lonely and reached out to me in a moment of weakness and need. If I were to attempt to exploit that then I would be the predator.

Tulip90: Boo!!!

JWD: Wow. You’re much mature about it then I would be, AdmiralNelson. I wish more guys were as clear sighted. But if you’re not gonna pursue things with her then I wish you’d let that buddy of yours set up some dates.

J4: Uggh. Blind dates.

AdmiralNelson: I am certainly not going to do that. His idea of what constitutes an appropriate date is alarming at best. I suppose it’s unsurprising from a man on his fourth marriage.

RealPatriot: Fourth marriage?

JWD: But you’re not pining?

AdmiralNelson: Pining?

JWD: For your not-boss.

AdmiralNelson: Ah. I do still have a great deal of affection for her. However, I am no romantic to pine away for what can never be.

Joe4983: There’s always time.  

JWD: Joe is a romantic


	9. January 22nd-23rd 2016 (Crate)

Tulip90: It’s all going so badly!!! Everyone says that VPM is finished!!!

AdmiralNelson: Everyone being the staff at the newspaper?

RealPatriot: Everyone being Mark?

Tulip90: Why would I care what that shithead thinks???

JaneWorldDestroyer: Whoa. You guys break up?

Joe4983: For the best.

RealPatriot: The news is all bullshit. They have an agenda and they don’t give a fuck about the truth. For all we know this is all smoke and mirrors because they’re trying to push their preferred candidate.

AdmiralNelson: Newspapers tend to be quite clear and evident on their preferred candidates.

RealPatriot: That’s what they WANT you to think.

Joe4983: She lost Iowa already.

JaneWorldDestroyer: If she loses New Hampshire…

Tulip90: I just think it’s weird how men will be so sweet and understanding and you think they’re really decent guys BUT THEN then they turn into complete fucking ASSHOLES without any warning.

Joe4983: Overestimating newspapers, RealPatriot.

AdmiralNelson: Tulip90, if that is how he behaves then you are better off without him.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Absolutely, he doesn’t deserve you. Shake him off, Tulip90, you had a narrow escape

RealPatriot: You remember she was cheating on her husband?

JaneWorldDestroyer – RealPatriot: This isn’t the right time for that.

RealPatriot – JaneWorldDestroyer: There’s a wrong time for honesty?

JaneWorldDestroyer – RealPatriot: Yep, and this is it.

Tulip90: I wasn’t talking to YOU, RealPatriot.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Oh God, there’s some chatter on Twitter about VPM insulting donors.

AdmiralNelson: What?

RealPatriot: Good. They’re all leeches.

Tulip90: She needs donors, or she can’t run!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: This can’t be true. She’s a seasoned politician!

Joe4983: Wouldn’t insult donors, surely?

RealPatriot: See? Didn’t I say that reporters push an agenda no matter the truth!

AdmiralNelson: She might but I struggle to believe she would do so on the record.

Tulip90: Okay, okay, I tracked it down!!! Quincy Carter of the _New Hampshire Globe_ ran some story about codes for donors that VPM’s team are using. “GUMMI donation: Give Us More Money, Idiot” and HADDA, ‘How About Digging Deeper, Assholes?”

JaneWorldDestroyer: That’s what passes for a scandal??

AdmiralNelson: It doesn’t have to be a scandal in the traditional sense. As Tulip90 said, without sufficient donors she cannot possibly run.

Joe4983: This is bad.

AdmiralNelson: It’s potentially a disaster.

***

AdmiralNelson: Good morning! I hope all are well on this fine day.

Tulip90: Hi!!!

RealPatriot: Someone hacked AdmiralNelson’s account.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Did someone get laid last night???

Joe4983: raises hand

JaneWorldDestroyer: HA! Smartass.

AdmiralNelson: A gentleman never tells.

Joe4983: Damn. Too late.

Tulip90: WHO IS SHE???

JaneWorldDestroyer: I’ll fight anyone who says you aren’t a gentleman, Joe.

Joe4983: My hero.

JaneWorldDestroyer: You don’t have to say, AdmiralNelson. You’ve got your whole “man of mystery” thing going. That’s cool.

AdmiralNelson: It wasn’t my intention to appear mysterious.  

RealPatriot: Better tell us then so the girls don’t get all overexcited at the mystery of it all.

JaneWorldDestroyer: That’s right. “We girls” are utterly helpless in the face of a mysterious man with a functioning penis.  

AdmiralNelson: Or otherwise capable of satisfying a woman sexually.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Right! Not all men have penises.

RealPatriot: What lefty nonsense is this now?

Tulip90: Did you finally sleep with your boss AdmiralNelson!!!???

AdmiralNelson: At the moment I don’t technically report to her but yes. I had a very pleasant time with the lady with whom I have had romantic feelings for some time.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Whoa!

Tulip90: Are you okay???

RealPatriot: He got LAID. Probably for the first time since that asshole cheated on him years ago. Is he okay, JFC.

Tulip90: It might have been terrible!!! She might have been horrible to him!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Not dating in a few years doesn’t mean he didn’t have sex. Can’t believe I have to tell a gay guy that…

AdmiralNelson: I appreciate your concern, Tulip90. I’m extremely well, thank you.

Tulip90: Tell us everything!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: If you want to. No pressure.

RealPatriot: Fuck that. We’ve been hearing about this woman for fucking months. I want every detail.

Joe4983: Not EVERY detail.

JaneWorldDestroyer: It would be nice to know a) how it came about and b) where things stand now.

AdmiralNelson: Yesterday was a very difficult day at work. Things are always extremely pressured at the best of times. Yesterday was not the best of times. There was a series of problems, extremely serious problems. Then I received some news which had to be considered at best something of a curate’s egg.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Ooh I love that phrase. It’s almost completely devoid of context. Poetic almost.

Joe4983: You job isn’t it danger?

AdmiralNelson: No, I don’t believe so. I was tasked with passing on the invitation to her.

JaneWorldDestroyer: This will work better if you give her a name. It could be fake if you like.

AdmiralNelson: Very well. I passed on the information to Celeste. She took the news rather differently than I did. Rather differently than I expected. She ignored the bad news and began rather overexcited about the good.

Tulip90: My therapist says to do that!!!

Joe4983: Overexcited or hysterical.

AdmiralNelson: I dislike the term “hysterical” however I do believe it is the one that best describes the effect. I don’t wish to give an unfairly unfavourable impression. She has an extremely responsible job and she works extremely hard. Things have been exceptionally tense for some while. It’s hardly unsurprising if she needed to blow off some steam.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Is that what we’re calling it?

RealPatriot: Traditionally you slap a hysteric but if fucking them works

AdmiralNelson: No, I certainly didn’t have sex with her then. Good lord. No. It was later. I was at home. She came to the house with a bottle of bourbon – it was sealed.

Tulip90: So romantic!!!

Joe4983: Booty call?

RealPatriot: If I tried that with one of my employees I’d get punched in the face.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Not if they wanted your sweet right-wing ass.

RealPatriot: I’m not right-wing. I’m a libertarian.

AdmiralNelson: I invited her inside. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. It occurred to me that she might be there to fire me. Instead she said she wanted to celebrate. We opened the bourbon and we talked. She was a little discomforted about her emotional reaction, but she moved on quickly. We talked. She was more relaxed than I’ve seen before.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Sounds like she seduced you, AdmiralNelson.

AdmiralNelson: I’m no ingenue.

Joe4983: Me either. Still got seduced.

JaneWorldDestroyer: I’m just that good.

Tulip90: You two are so cute!!!

RealPatriot: Was it a one-night stand thing, AdmiralNelson? I never had a hook-up that went anywhere. I don’t know. It seems like you start out with sex then that’s all you get.

AdmiralNelson: We didn’t discuss it in detail.

JaneWorldDestroyer: RealPatriot might have a point, AdmiralNelson. You’ve liked this “Celeste” for a while but it seems like she’s not as invested.   

AdmiralNelson: I’m aware that there is no happy ending to be had, Jane. I’m no naïve teenager. I am aware that this is the best that can be realistically hoped for.

Tulip90: Unrequited love SUCKS!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Anyone can be lonely, AdmiralNelson. You don’t have to be a teenager to be hurt.

RealPatriot: Or to have some fucker take advantage of your feelings. It’s easier for women. They’re better at making friends. Guys our age, we get isolated and vulnerable.

JaneWorldDestroyer: We’re not trying to pour cold water, honestly. We’re just a little worried for you.

AdmiralNelson: Yes. I’m aware. Thank you. I know that you’re all looking out for me.

Joe4983: It’s what’s friends do.

 

 


	10. January 23rd-27th 2016 (New Hampshire)

Tulip90: I still can’t believe this!!! She’s THE PRESIDENT!!!

RealPatriot: For now.

Tulip90: What do you mean???

JaneWorldDestroyer: There’s still an election to fight.

RealPatriot: She’s not even winning the primaries.

Tulip90: She’s the PRESIDENT they have to make her the nominee!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: I don’t think they have to. I mean, it’d be pretty shitty if they didn’t but I’m pretty sure it’s not against the rules.

Joe4983: Either way the clock is ticking.

Tulip90: What does that mean???

JaneWorldDestroyer: She’s not gonna go back to being a senator. At most she’s gonna be the president for eight years and then go back to the real world. At least she’s gonna be president for eight _months_ and get booted back to reality.

RealPatriot: These people never go back to the real world. Hell, she’s never BEEN in the real world. You think she ever went to a laundromat or took out the garbage? She’s got “people” for that. She always has and she always will.

Tulip90: But how are you going to write slash if she’s not in politics anymore???

JaneWorldDestroyer: With difficulty!

Tulip90: Oh shit

AdmiralNelson: I seemed to have arrived at an inopportune moment.

RealPatriot: Tulip90 just realised that Meyer becoming president is probably going to mean the end of the forum sooner or later.

JaneWorldDestroyer: I didn’t say that!

AdmiralNelson: I’m not sure that follows. There are thousands of websites and forums discussing a variety of political figures. The administration isn’t in the habit of shutting them all down. It hasn’t the authority, desire, or time to chase down any that aren’t actively dangerous. This forum is hardly that.

RealPatriot: We’re officially completely harmless! I want that on a t-shirt.   

JaneWorldDestroyer: You are, RealPatriot, I think the jury is out on the rest of us. I didn’t mean that anyway. Just that if VPM doesn’t get the nomination then she’ll soon be out of politics. She won’t be working with KD so slashing/writing will be more difficult.

Joe4983: You can write other things.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Not that anyone would want to read!

Joe4983: Don’t do that.

AdmiralNelson: Forgive me, but surely whatever the original purpose of the forum, it has now grown past that? I’m sure a statistical analysis would show that the majority of conversations are about more personal issues: sharing support and reaffirming bonds of companionship and friendship.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Oh, I like that.

RealPatriot: That’s just forums. Either it turns into splinter groups and internecine warfare or people become buddies.

Joe4983: I worry about the other forums you visit.

Tulip90: You have to keep writing, Janey!!! You’re really good!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Thanks Tulip90!

RealPatriot: If KD hadn’t vouched for me when I was arrested I’d have been in the shit. If it hadn’t been for this forum he wouldn’t have known who I was.

Joe4983: Never understood that.

AdmiralNelson: Whatever the facts I think it is same to say that this has been a primarily positive experience for most of us.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Even when we warn you off sexy ladies?

RealPatriot: We were looking out for you

AdmiralNelson: I never thought otherwise, RP.

JaneWorldDestroyer: When’s the big date? Are you going in big and romantic or low key?

AdmiralNelson: I don’t wish to look as if I’m too invested. I’ve been told in the past I can come in “too hot.” I’m aware that women must be very careful when beginning relationships.

Tulip90: It’s so difficult to find men you can trust!!!

RealPatriot: Pro-tip, avoid ones willing to sleep with married women.

AdmiralNelson: I’ve never done that or to my knowledge dated a woman who slept with married men. However, I can’t claim any moral issue, it simply hasn’t come up.

Joe4983: People make blanket rules. Life is more complicated than that.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Slow and steady seems like a good approach, AdmiralNelson.

RealPatriot: Slow and steady? They already fucked!

JaneWorldDestroyer: That was sex. This is a _date_ , they’re completely different things.

***

Tulip90: OMFG YOU GUYS YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THE RUMOUR IN THE NEWSROOM.

RealPatriot: Can you stop screaming?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Are you going to tell us, Tulip90?

Joe4983: I’ll check Twitter.

RealPatriot: What are we looking for?

Tulip90: MEYER WENT OUT WITH KD ON A DATE!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: He’s on her staff now. He accompanies her to events all the time.

Tulip90: THERE’S A PHOTO ON TWITTER OF THEM KISSING

JaneWorldDestroyer: This is a hoax.

Tulip90: IT’S ALL ROUND THE OFFICE!!! JIM IS CALLING THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS OFFICE FOR COMMENT!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: Here’s the link, RP. But it’s a hoax. It’s got to be.

Joe4983: Seems unlikely they’d admit it.

JaneWorldDestroyer: It wouldn’t help her reputation.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Oh. Oh shit.

Joe4983: What’s wrong?

RealPatriot: I’m running the photo through a photoshop checker

JaneWorldDestroyer: I just had a thought. No. Ignore me. I need to think about this more.

Tulip90: THE WHITE HOUSE IS REFUSING TO COMMENT!!! HOLY SHIT IT’S REAL!!! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!

Joe4983: I’m not sure that follows.

RealPatriot: It’s not real until they deny it.

Joe4983: You make my brain hurt.

RealPatriot: We need to tell AdmiralNelson. You got contact details for him, Jane?  

JaneWorldDestroyer: I have an email, but I have a feeling that he already knows.

Tulip90: THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER

AdmiralNelson: So, I see that you’ve heard the gossip.

RealPatriot: You’re a staffer, right, AdmiralNelson? You must have heard all this gossip before.

AdmiralNelson: I don’t believe it was common knowledge.

JaneWorldDestroyer: So, it’s definitely true? It’s not a hoax?

AdmiralNelson: I’m given to understand that there are multiple photographs. It seems there was a tourist bus nearby.

RealPatriot: Hell of a way to come out.

Tulip90: I have to go!!! It’s all gone crazy here!!!

AdmiralNelson: I know the feeling. I’m on a dinner break.

Joe4983: I’m on a packing break.

RealPatriot: You going on vacation?

Joe4983: Moving house.

JaneWorldDestroyer: I said I’d pay for movers.

Joe4983: Waste of money.

AdmiralNelson: You’re moving in together?

Joe4983: I’m moving in with Jane.

Tulip90: That’s very modern of you Joe!!!

Joe4983: It’s practical.

RealPatriot: I thought you were going, Tulip90.

Tulip90: In a minute!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: My practice is in Cleveland. I could move to Chicago, but it would be a real PITA.

RealPatriot: What about your kids, Joe?

Joe4983: Bobby lives in NYC and Sarah lives in Virginia.

Tulip90: Is that better or worse??? I hate geography!!!

Joe4983: It’s significantly better.

RealPatriot: They both moved to the other coast? Better run now, Jane.

Joe4983: Funny guy.

AdmiralNelson: It’s hardly unnatural for children to move away. I was originally from Oregon, but I went to college in Boston and work in D.C. There was certainly no problem I was running away from.

JaneWorldDestroyer: You went to MIT?

AdmiralNelson: Graduate and post grad.

JaneWorldDestroyer: OOH. Oh, hey, could I pick your brain sometime?

AdmiralNelson: About college? Is this a confession that your law decree is a fake?

JaneWorldDestroyer: I went to Harvard, so I guess an MIT man might think so. The reason that I’m asking is that KD’s bio says that he went to MIT. I was thinking maybe you could give me some fine detail.

AdmiralNelson: Fine detail?

JaneWorldDestroyer: About MIT. You know. For stories. God knows how many I’m going to get now it’s true but I’m going to try.

Tulip90: KD went to MIT??? That is SO cool!!!

RealPatriot: Don’t stop now, Jane!

AdmiralNelson: Oh, I see. Certainly.

JaneWorldDestroyer: It feels weird.

Joe4983: It does.

JaneWorldDestroyer: Someone else is from Oregon. Hmm. Who is it? Someone from Oregon who went to MIT and… is he dating his boss? I feel like he’s dating his boss.

AdmiralNelson – JDW: I can explain.

JDW – AdmiralNelson: Can you REALLY? And you couldn’t think of a more original response? I write you better dialogue than that, KENT.

AdmiralNelson – JDW: I’ve never read any of your stories. I recall that being something that you were extremely concerned about.

JDW – AdmiralNelson: I know that. Your IP never shows up on statcounter. I’m not an idiot.

AdmiralNelson – JDW: No. I’m aware of that.

JDW – AdmiralNelson: Well? STUN me with your explanation.

AdmiralNelson – JDW: We were attempting to identify “West Wing Man” and the email address he used was also used on the forum.

JDW – AdmiralNelson: Yeah, yeah, you got his details from forum membership and RealPatriot. Why the fuck did you come back? Are we just THAT hilarious?

AdmiralNelson – JDW: Simple curiosity.

JDW – AdmiralNelson: It’s been MONTHS

AdmiralNelson – JDW: I’m unsure what you wish me to say, Jane. I enjoyed the discussions and debates. I have little free time to socialise and it was refreshing to do so without baggage.

JDW – AdmiralNelson: Hysterically funny too I bet

AdmiralNelson – JDW: No. I never laughed at you.

JDW – AdmiralNelson: What about her? Huh? Does she know about us?

AdmiralNelson – JDW: No, she doesn’t know anything about any of you. I wasn’t exaggerating, Jane. There are THOUSANDS of websites being monitored. If we told her about all of them she wouldn’t have time to do anything else.

JDW – AdmiralNelson: Is anything you said true?

AdmiralNelson – JDW: Everything I said is true. I didn’t tell you my name or who I worked for, but any lies were of omission. Everything I told you was true.

JDW – AdmiralNelson: All the stuff about Celeste, that was her, Selina Meyer?

AdmiralNelson – JDW: Yes. I was completely honest with all of you as regards my feelings for her.

JDW – AdmiralNelson: Why?

AdmiralNelson – JDW: I had to tell someone.

JDW – AdmiralNelson: This where you make some revolting declaration of friendship?

AdmiralNelson – JDW: I’m a 58 year old man. I’m not comfortable with that level of emotional honesty.

JDW – AdmiralNelson: Get comfortable. Quickly.

AdmiralNelson – JDW: Okay. I have few good friends. I joined the forum out of purely selfish reasons. Perhaps I continued out of purely selfish reasons. I regret misleading you all. Even as I regret angering you I know that it’s deserved. I have no defence, Jane. I only hope that you can forgive me as your friend.

JDW – AdmiralNelson: Fuck.

RealPatriot: It’s all gone quiet. JaneWorldDestroyer are you yelling at AdmiralNelson?

JaneWorldDestroyer: Yes.

Tulip90: Because he’s KD???

RealPatriot: JFC woman, what’s wrong with you?

Joe4983: You said it first.

Tulip90: Isn’t that what JaneWorldDestroyer was getting at with all that about MIT and Oregon and all that stuff???

JaneWorldDestroyer: Yes. It is.

RealPatriot: That’s for sorting the arrest stuff for me, man.

AdmiralNelson: It was the least I could do.

RealPatriot: The least you could do was fuck all. What you DID was stop me getting hauled off to Guantanamo Bay.  

AdmiralNelson: I was glad to help.

Joe4983: What happens now?

AdmiralNelson: That’s up to all of you. However, one thing I think I should mention is that Ben Cafferty has visited the forum.

JaneWorldDestroyer? What? When?

Tulip90: Was he buttf@cker???

AdmiralNelson: Yes. Oh, JaneWorldDestroyer, he asked me to ask if you would write a story for him.

JaneWorldDestroyer: ARGGGH.

Tulip90: This is so cool!!!

JaneWorldDestroyer: No, it’s not!

Joe4983 – AdmiralNelson: Hey. If you need to talk you can.

AdmiralNelson – Joe4983: Thank you. I appreciate it.

Joe4983 – AdmiralNelson: It can’t be easy. Dating Selina Meyer.

AdmiralNelson – Joe4983: No. But worthwhile.

The End.

 

 


End file.
